You see how they rush and grab the things they desire?

Now, have you ever seen a case where they give someone the same opportunity and they blow it?

Maybe they give a kid one minute to get anything they want and they scurry down the aisles to get a toy or a Lego set?

Have you seen something like that? I saw one. Let me tell you how it went.

A kid was on the show, “What will your kid do?” and she was given the opportunity to choose between two options. The host explained both options to her. The first was an all expense paid family vacation to Dubai. Mind you, her parents were somewhere in the back hoping that their child makes the right choice.

You could literally see the joy and hope in their eyes when the vacation was mentioned.

The second was that she could own her own giraffe (a stuffed animal by the way) and with the way her eyes glistened, we all could tell that she didn’t intend to leave the show without that giraffe.

Well, that was what she chose eventually and let me just say that if that was my child, I’d have given her straight up for adoption, I’m not even joking. Because who does that?!

But you think about it deeply and you realize that it’s actually not the child’s fault. At least, not entirely.

All she had ever dreamt of was that stuffed animal. She had never seen any gift different from the stuffed animal as valuable.

But think of it too, wouldn’t you have chosen your own stuffed animal? And maybe your stuffed animal is not practically a giraffe like the little girl’s. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s five million naira right now. Maybe it’s a scholarship, a visa, a grant, an apartment. Whatever it is, it’s just the one thing that’s most pressing to you.

But what if you could get more than that stuffed animal?

There’s something that happens when you constantly see/hear/mediate on something. It becomes a part of your subconscious. It radiates an energy that begins to propel you toward that thing. Whether positive or negative.

I’ll give you an example.

A lady once told her friend to get a pen for her. She said, “Don’t get blue. I dislike blue pens. You can get absolutely any color but blue. Blue pens make my writing so bad.” And she went on and on mentioning the word “blue” 12 times. And when the friend came back, guess what color of pen she came back with? A blue pen!

The lady was dumbfounded. With how many times she said she didn’t want blue, her friend still came back with a blue pen? And the friend said that with how many times she called blue, it was the only thing on her mind as she went to get the pen.

“For a color you dislike, you said it way too many times. Why didn’t you mention your favorite color instead?”

Another example comes to mind from the movie “Focus”

In that movie, someone placed a bet with a very wealthy man that out of a random number of players on a rugby field, with different numbers assigned to them, they’d guess the number that the man will select at random.

So, they went to work. They programmed his entire day to come across the numbers 55 in different variants. Everywhere he went, there was a subtle presence of the number 55. Protesters carried placards with the number 55 on it, his room number was 55, his room was on floor 55, and many, many other things on his was to the game.

When he picked up the binoculars to look through the field and pick a random number, he ended up picking 55 and the people who placed a bet with him won. Not because he was actively looking for he numbers but because what his brain was fed was the numbers 55.

I hope that at this point, and with these two different examples, the message I’m trying to pass across becomes clearer. What you feed your mind with becomes what you radiate and eventually becomes your reality. Even if you feed your mind with things you don’t like.

So, why wonderland?

The Bible says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:8

The Bible is very clear on the type of things we should think on. Why? Because you become what you think.

Unfortunately, so many of us enter wonderland with only the thought of our stuffed animals.

Daydreaming costs nothing but in your own daydream, you still can’t afford to live a comfortable life. Even in wonderland?!

“As far as your eyes can see” was what God told Abraham. Unfortunately, many of us are very short sighted. We can’t see well, and we don’t look far.

All we see is the now. What can we gain now? What can improve my quality of life right now?

This is not just some dumb ritual, it actually works. The more you spend time crafting your dream life in wonderland, the more spurred you are to create it in real life. The more energy of that life you radiate and begin to live in.

Life is too short to daydream the Least. Since you know the power of your wonderland, why don’t you go all out? Why don’t you change your life there and let it manifest in the real world?

My dear friends, close your eyes and dream, and then open your eyes and live that dream!

Until next week,

Titilayo.

He is known for Rich Dad Poor Dad, among many other books, and in that book, his biological dad is who he referred to as “poor dad.” Well, it does make sense to want his father to pass and let some time pass as well if you are going to call out some flaws with your dad’s mindset.

But I do not think we have to pray for people’s death or wish them dead before we can fundamentally disagree with them. I think it’s very possible to absolutely love people and still, one hundred percent, disagree with them. Yes, I love you, but I do not have to like every single take you have.

And that is why I am taking this bold step to write this piece (or pieces) that is fundamentally disagreeing with some of the things the older generation made into norms while still respecting them because I cannot wait for the passing of an entire generation before I air my thoughts and opinions.

There are a couple of topics that I’d like to really dissect, but having all of them in one newsletter would be absolutely cumbersome, so I’d be taking it topic by topic.

The first topic.

Marriage

If I told you that a huge chunk of the older generation, both men and women, have some misogynistic views, you would want to argue it out, but it’s true.

Their views on marriage are very very flawed and many of them, if you search the deep crevices of their hearts, are not really happy with their marriages.

If “Yakubu Manage” had a poster, it would carry the marriages of the previous generation. Many women were taught that marriage is the pinnacle of their lives. They were made to feel incomplete if marriage was not in the picture. So, many of them rushed. They settled down with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, they were even forced to.

Now, as if that were not enough, they convinced themselves, actually, lied to themselves, that that is the norm.

If you pick an average person of the past generation, they will tell you that a young woman has little to no worth if she does not have a crown over her head. The crown being a man.

Honestly, only a handful of the people would not talk that way. Very honestly.

They will tell you that as a woman, you should not have too much money or success so that you will not drive men away.

They will tell you that if you earn more than your husband, you should submit all your money to him so that he never feels small.

They will tell you that in your husband’s house, none of your achievements matter, and you are subject to him.

They will tell you that men naturally have their eyes outside and it is normal for your husband to be attracted to other girls. Younger girls especially.

Oh, and they would laugh heartily when you mention the topic of domestic violence and tell you that the women whose husbands don’t beat them are extremely lucky, like they hit the jackpot just by not being hit by their husbands.

They would tell you that no matter how sick you are, you are not allowed to deprive your husband of sex. Even if you are at the point of death. “Your husband is the owner of your body,” they say.

These things would sound absurd and insane, and I wish I were making this up, but no, all these things are words that have actually been uttered.

And we see it too. In the little, seemingly unnoticeable things. I’ll give an example.

The threat to drive off and leave your wife if she is not ready for church when you are has to be one of the most subtle yet glaring forms of toxicity in marriage that we have ignored.

A woman wakes up early, before anyone in the house. She gets bath water ready for the entire family; if the children are not yet of age, she bathes and dresses them up and maybe makes sure they have something in their stomachs before going to church.

Now, after doing all that, she decides she wants to put herself together and look good for church, but she’s still in a towel when her husband is talking about “You this woman, you are always late for church. I will leave you behind if you are not downstairs in five minutes.” And then she begins to sprint up and down like Sha’Carri, struggling to dress up and apply her mascara, eye shadow and lipstick, and God forbid she has a wardrobe malfunction when her lord and savior has already started the car.

The adrenaline, the panic, the fear, the hurry—all for what? So that you don’t go to church late? I mean, yeah, but all that tension on the wife you claim to love like Christ loves the church?

And the shouts that always follow, the loud horns and the complaints, and then the tension in the car if she eventually makes it after scurrying down in bathroom slippers and with her shoes in her hands.

So she ends up going to church mentally, physically and emotionally drained before 8am on a Sunday. And then there’s the even heavier weight of the fake smile you have to put on when you see the pastor and his wife and want to greet them like you are the couple of the year, and the struggle to not transfer your aggression to your children or any other person there.

All these seemingly little things that happen that cause strain in marriages. And then you wonder why you never saw your parents kiss or show affection at all.

And then you wonder why they keep reiterating that marriage is HARD and a struggle, and why it’s this and that.

Meanwhile, they are speaking from a doctrine of pain. Deep pain to the point that they scorn anyone who talks about a good marriage or seems to be in one.

I’m grateful to have wonderful parents, and I know that other people do too, but we can’t lie and say that the mindset of many people in the older generation has to be really deconstructed.

In all this, we have so much work to do because calling out the flaws of the older generation is the easy part. If we don’t work on these things and just hate them or keep grudges with the older generation, we are bound to repeat the exact same mistakes and even worse. We have so, so much work to do, and I hope and pray that we take these things very intentionally and seriously.

There’s so much more to talk about, and we shall be talking about them. See you soon.

Until next time,

Titilayo.

You must be familiar with this question: “Why does a good God allow bad things to happen to good people?”

Yes, every Christian has probably sat with that question more than once.

“But they say he’s a good God.” “But he says, ‘Ask and it shall be given; knock and he will answer.’” “But the scripture says that God will supply all my needs.” “The scripture says the path of the just is as a shining light. It is supposed to shine brighter and brighter.” “The scripture says that he will give us far more than we can ask or even think.”

But then, you apply for job after job, and you don’t get any. You pray and work hard and end up failing. You start a business, and it doesn’t look like all the promises that you had confessed over your life. You apply for opportunities, and then all the unbelievers you know get in, but when they ask you, “Ahn ahn, what happened? How didn’t you get in?” The tears start to well up in your eyes.

Or that one where you teach people a course in school and still end up failing it. The one where you sit with your friend and help them prepare their CV and help them draft their application…they get the job or opportunity they applied for, but you always get the “we regret to inform you.”

I am writing these things from personal experience because I know the feeling and I’ve seen it firsthand in the lives of people I know.

That moment when someone you know is not as close to God as you are comes to share the testimonies of how “God always answers me o. I did not even stress, God just did so and so for me.”

And you know that these fellows don’t even have a close relationship with God. This “he will never fail me” lifestyle is all their relationship with him entails. They treat God like their genie, but yet, they seem to be the ones getting all the good and pleasant things from God while all you are getting is the testing of your faith.

When this happens, it brings about a crushing in your spirit, and that crushing is really the crux of the matter. It’s really what I want us to talk about today.

When you plan your life, when you pray about things, when you sow into things and you do not reap, there is a crushing that occurs in your soul and in your spirit, and that crushing is the killing of the desire of that thing above all else.

And that is one of the most painful experiences a believer can have. Oh, you hear sermons on faith, your faith is fired up, and you take things to God in prayer, only to end up failing in that field; it crushes the soul, but it builds us up even more after that.

You see, I have come to understand that God takes more delight in the preservation of our souls than in the success we attain in this life.

Often times, the things we ask for come from the desire of our flesh. Is it always bad? Not really. It’s not bad to want to succeed, not bad to want to have money and a good job, and not bad that we want a good life, but on the quest for these things, we idolize them and sometimes place them even higher than God. It becomes a do-or-die affair; it becomes something that we cannot do without, and that is where God yanks it away from us. Is it painful? Yes! But is it necessary? Absolutely!

And many may argue that we’ve not idolized it, but if it truly doesn’t mean that much to you, why do you get so sad when you don’t get it?

The way these things work, we don’t know that God is saving us from so much that we cannot see. Because the process of these things taking a position in your heart is not something you can notice, it’s only God that knows the intents of your heart, even you don’t know.

Did you see Solomon before all his wealth? Imagine being the “wisest man that has ever lived,” but that wisdom didn’t even translate into serving God all the days of your life. Wealth came, women came and the same Solomon that was all about God forgot about him.

Now, Solomon has more leverage than us even. Because he had more wisdom than any of us and he didn’t even desire or ask for the wealth he got, God gave him.

How much more you that has been blinded by all these desires? How much more you, who aren’t half as wise as him?

What happens to your soul as soon as you touch the money you so desire? What happens to your soul as soon as all your prayers are answered and you no longer need God?

You see, that crushing that we so hate is what saves our souls. Though not pleasant, God uses it to redirect us. God knows that once all these your prayers are answered, you will never be found on your knees again. And he knows that to sustain your soul, you need his presence.So, he keeps you on your knees for longer, slowly redirecting your heart to him, one painful process after another.

If someone has a big benign growth in a part of their body, it is not always removed at once. Sometimes it takes multiple surgeries. Sometimes, even after the surgeries, it starts to grow again, and isn’t that how we are with God?

Sometimes, you think you are over it, you think that it shouldn’t hurt, you think that you have grown past a stage, but the root of the benign growth is still there. So, that rejection, that loss, it still makes you angry and hurt all over again, and God redirects you to see that those things were never the goal, they were the additives.

The essence of our lives is to seek first the kingdom of God, and all other things will now be added to us. Matthew 6:33.

But ever so often, we seek first every other thing, and then we try to sprinkle the kingdom of God and want God to bend to our rules and our desires and the plans and goals we have set for ourselves. But it doesn’t work that way at all.

Even though it hurt when certain things were taken away from me, I have come to realize now that my life and my soul are better off without those things. Yes, I know that when I asked God for certain things, I had the desire to use them to bring glory to him (or so I claimed), but my soul was not yet ready for that type of success or breakthrough. It may have done something to me that may have veered me off the track of humility and absolute submission to God

And this is not something that people often take note of, but I have.

In 1 Kings 3:6-9, you could hear the sincerity in Solomon’s request, even though it was a dream. The guy really just wanted to serve the people well. He wanted to be a good king, but look at the turn of events in 1 Kings 11:1-9. very sad.

And again, that was Solomon, who was extremely wise and did not seek after material things. How much more you whose entire prayer list is material things?

The same God that was pleased with him in 1 Kings 3:10 was now angry with him in 1 Kings 11:9

Do you know how big a fall it is to go from making God happy to making him angry?

The next time God does not answer your prayers, thank him. Go to him in worship and stay there. Am I saying it’s easy? Absolutely not. Even I struggle with it sometimes. I spend time ranting and complaining and talking about it before eventually bowing my heart in worship because there’s no denying that it is a painful process.

But if we truly say that “God causes all things to work together for good to them that love him and are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28), then we should believe it too!

They should not just be words that we casually say when we run into traffic and believe that God is protecting us from danger on the road. When these bigger, painful, crushing moments come, if truly we love the Lord and are called according to his purpose, then we should believe that God is causing everything to work together for our good!

Even if the only “good” is the preservation of our souls, then it is absolutely worth it.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, consistently doing the right thing even when no one is watching.

From the definition, we see that integrity is that it is never upheld for a prize. It is never upheld for an audience; it is never upheld for validation. There is only one person in this world that gets to know what you would never bend to no matter the situation, and that person is you.

But why is integrity so rare?

Well, when you take away the reward, the fame, or the perks of doing something good, very rarely do you see people still wanting to do it.

We were practically given a rule book when growing up: Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t have children out of wedlock, don’t do things that will embarrass the family, and the list goes on.

But the thing is, people have grown extremely creative with doing all these wrongs while still acting like they didn’t do them. People steal and cheat, and then they come to give testimonies in church. People have sex before or outside marriage but take all the precautions to avoid having a child, and then they act like they are better than those who have children.

Everyone does exactly what they want to do and just wears a cloak of righteousness on top of their sin to make them look innocent. We have become masters of camouflage.

And this reminds me of that comprehension story in my primary three textbook. In the story, people were invited to a party, and everyone was asked to come with a glass of wine to pour into a large pot so it could be shared among everyone. Everyone dressed up extravagantly and came to the party, smiling and cheering, pouring the contents of their vessels into the bigger bowl. When it was time to share the drinks, everyone raised their glasses to make a toast, and by the time the drink got to their lips, everyone’s drink tasted the exact same. Everyone was drinking water.

And as the story went, it was so because everyone did the exact same thing. They showed up with a container of water and hoped that it would get mixed in the multitude of everyone else’s wine while actively pretending like they brought wine to the party. But unfortunately, “everyone else” thought the exact same thing, and it wasn’t until the time for the toast that everyone got to find out that every other person in the room was equally a liar too!

That story really depicts the posture of the heart of man. You would be very amazed at how many awful things people would be willing to do provided no one would ever get to know about it. And how lucky for them that this world has been automated to fit every type of secret, coverable sin, allowing them to just go on and on doing all the wrong things.

When you look at it that way, you understand that it was never about doing good for these people. It was simply about the perception of good. It was about looking the part instead of actually being the part.

But that is where integrity is different. Someone who has integrity would, no matter what, bring their own glass of wine even if they think that others wouldn’t. They would bring it even if they are not praised for it, even if they are not rewarded, and even if nobody knows that they brought their glass of wine. Integrity goes beyond what anybody ever gets to know or see, and that singular factor is why so many people lack it. People who do things solely for the applause will inevitably stop doing them when the room goes quiet.

Ultimately, a lack of integrity stems from constantly seeking validation from sources other than God and yourself. When you place success, money, achievement, a job, and other things above your principles, it becomes very easy to disregard them.

Under the right temperature and pressure, your principles can be easily broken when they are not solid and grounded or when the need for validation and material things outweighs them.

Remember how the Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil? Many have often misquoted that scripture as “Money is the root of all evil,” but that is clearly not true. In the places that the Bible talked about money, off the top of my head, I recall two instances: “Money is a defense” and “Money answers to all things,” which means that money itself was never the problem. But the same money, when it is loved, becomes the root of all evil. When money is prioritized above all morals, the morals all of a sudden become shaky and easily chipped at.

We see people who have utterly compromised their own standards, if they ever had any, and we throw stones at them because where they are, it’s easy to see all their lack of integrity. But the truth is, if you also do not respect God and yourself enough to abide by and keep to His commandments and the principles you know are right, you would one day become worse than the people you castigate.

We judge people who are in places where their sins are on full display. When we see the figures that government officials have stolen, we curse them. When we hear of celebrities who had affairs with people of no repute, we condemn them. But your sin is no better. You are also sleeping with people you are not married to. You are also cheating and defrauding people, but there is no one to document your “little” wrongdoings.

We truly underestimate how grave the commandments of God are. We have forgotten that God’s eyes are everywhere at all times, and he can see not only our actions but also the thoughts in our hearts.

We seem to think that God of the past is no longer God in our generation. We think we can outsmart all the systems, including God’s systems.

Along the lines of fulfilling purpose and “making it,” we have started seeking everything first, and then just sprinkling the kingdom of God later. In words and not even in actions.

We have sold our birthrights and totally conformed to the world for a morsel of bread, no matter what that morsel is to each individual, and God can no longer trust many people because people participate in secret sin and call on his name outwardly.

But the thing is, we can fix up. We definitely can. The people who do the most evil things today did not start up there. It started with a little compromise, and then a little more. From “nobody will know” to “it doesn’t matter that much” to “that’s how we now do things,” little by little, their conscience was being eroded.

But that won’t be me and you because today, we intentionally make the decision to place God far above all the other things that life has to offer.
Today, we make the commitment to stand with God and maintain integrity.
We pledge that no matter what, we will only do that which pleases God regardless of the circumstance.

So help us, God. Amen.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

For instance, imagine a public figure whose story comes out, revealing that before their rise to prominence, they were involved in several unethical business practices, including fraud and embezzlement. They kept it all hidden, and one way or another, it comes out in the open. Then people defend them with, “Everyone has a past.”

Or a pastor was accused of sexual harassment of women before he became prominent and then when people find out, they use the same line, “Everyone has a past.” to defend it.

I get that everybody has a past but today is when you get to choose what that “past” would look like in the nearest future. Having a bad past is very preventable and it totally depends on what you decide to do today.

If you have a character trait in your life right now that is not good, don’t think that one day you will somehow get rid of it. Maybe when you are fifty years old or when you are married.

If you have a very rude and condescending way of addressing people generally, do you think that one day, when you turn fifty, you would automatically become an elderly person with gracious words? No. Sadly, what would be said of you is, “That person is elderly, but they do not know how to talk.”

If, as a person, you do not know how to take responsibility for things, none of that will change just because you got married. A ring on your finger does nothing to affect your brain. If it would change, it would be because you worked on it. Intentionally.

Getting rid of bad behavior or character takes intentional effort. It doesn’t just go away with time, and you most certainly can’t wish it away.

You want to be an elderly person with a pleasant past. You owe it to your future self to be able to make references to your past (which is your present today) without being ashamed of anything!

So today, fix up. That bad character, whatever it is, fix it up.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

If you are a baker, you should understand better. That could easily be your worst nightmare. Having mixed almost all the other ingredients, you just wanted to add one more egg, but as soon as you cracked it, before you could prevent it from being poured into the bowl, there was that disgusting smell, and you saw the dark green liquid being poured into your cake mix.

That one egg has destroyed the entire batter. It doesn’t matter how expensive the other ingredients are. It doesn’t matter how beautiful the cake decoration was going to be or how tasty the cake was going to be; that one egg has destroyed the batter.

This egg story is just an analogy for the impact of bad people on society. And before you think too far, in many cases, you are the bad egg. Just unfortunately, the entire cake is disgusting because all the eggs were bad, but we somehow expected the baker to work a miracle with those bad eggs.

Let’s bring this home.

The Nigerian elections are coming up soon, and everyone has an opinion on who the best candidate and the worst candidate most likely is. After being under Pharaoh for years, we are genuinely ready to be set free (at least, some of us anyway). Some people are still standing on a mandate that definitely doesn’t please the Lord, but that’s their problem.

But somehow, we have not come to terms with the fact that there is no single person in the entire world that can instantaneously change Nigeria because Nigerians do not intend to change, they only intend to change the baker. We want to all keep showing up with our rotten eggs and expect that somehow, the baker will miraculously come up with a cake that tastes amazing.

But how can the baker do anything if all the ingredients are rotten?

It’s so easy to blame the president himself, and yeah, we do have a failure for a president, but he is closely backed by other failures and supported by other failures, which makes it a chain reaction of failures, and all these failures are coming with their ingredients to the bakehouse, and we are here somehow hoping that the chief baker comes up with a beautiful, edible cake. How?

Now, it’s very easy to say, “God punish Tinubu, and the House of Reps, and the House of Assembly, and all the lawmakers, and everyone in power.”

It’s easy to say, “Let God take every single one of them and let’s start on a clean slate.”

But what you don’t know is that you’re probably signing up for a worse fate. Because who then takes over? The people that have sworn that if they ever get to power, they are taking back all that has been taken from them? Or is it the people that cheat and steal and lie without reason?

I know corruption is a worldwide phenomenon, but I’m talking about Nigeria today because it is my country, because I can see in real time the decadence that is going on in this country.

Today, I will help you to take the log of wood out of your eye.

I guess you think this is far-fetched, or it does not really concern you, but no, it does.

See, there is a minimum level of righteousness that is expected of us, and you would actually be surprised that that minimum level is nothing less than perfection.

Yes, we may fall short and always go back to the throne of God for help that is always made available, but that is what God expects of us in every area of our lives.

It’s really surprising how we think that we are more righteous than our leaders when in our own closets, we do worse.

You lie daily; you call it white lies.
You collect money from your parents for fees and textbooks that do not exist.
You probably graduated into inflating figures for projects at work.
You cheat in exams (I know that we think God is not concerned about this but you couldn’t be further from the truth)
You cheat in relationships too. Thinking it’s just nothing. You are committed to one person but texting multiple people

So many wrong things we do daily, but we crucify the people whose wrongs are pronounced and amplified. Because we can see the impact of their wrongdoings on a national scale, you have the audacity to believe that you are better than them.

These people are responsible for the loss of lives, poverty, people going out of school, and many, many wrongs, but again, because they are on a larger throne, you have the impression that your wrongs are not nearly as grave as theirs.

But the thing is, these people did not just wake up and decide to be this evil, this brutal. It started little by little. If you can flout simple instructions that you are given at a small level, you will eventually disobey government rules when in power.

You can find a way to be crooked with something as inconsequential as school exams, and you really think you are better than people that are crooked with government money?

Every day, “the country is bad.” Are the people in the country good? Are they? Are we?

This selective righteousness we have is actually very disgusting. And I am personally so sick of it. Every day, we are chasing our benefit at the expense of other people, or even with the knowledge that what we are doing is wrong and we are blaming the country.

Everyone is bringing bad eggs to the cake, but we somehow expect to have a cake that does not taste rotten. We somehow expect that our little compromise would not show.

Everyone is doing evil from the comfort of their homes but blaming the president, who is doing evil from the comfort of a place that is well visible to all.

Even yahoo boys have the audacity to curse the government.
Even police officers have the audacity to complain that the government is not good when they stand at their “checkpoints” to be everyone’s nightmare during the day.
Even the people who take contraband into the exam hall are complaining that the government is not straightforward.
Even you, who know that the only reason you are not committing fraud is because you’ve not been given an opportunity, are complaining.

I’ve studied people in my country, and I do not think that Nigerians have the mental and moral capacity for the better Nigeria we seek.

And that thing they say where if Nigerians exchanged countries with a first-world country, the place would soon become Nigeria and Nigeria would look exactly like the place because you can take Nigerians out of the country, but you can never take the country out of Nigerians.

Because this “New Nigeria” we say we desire, are we really ready for it?

If Nigeria starts working, are you sure you will not still show up to a police checkpoint with that hundred naira to squeeze into their hands because you’ve gotten too used to being dubious and never having all your documents complete?

If Nigeria starts working and there is order and discipline, would you still be able to confidently write your exams knowing that there is no room for cheating?

If Nigeria starts working, would you really put in the effort into working knowing that nobody is going to use connection to give you, an unqualified person, a job over an excellent person?

If Nigeria starts working, would you be happy that your senator uncle is no longer able to embezzle money and sponsor your dreams of relocating abroad?

If Nigeria starts working, would you be okay to go to the bank and wait in the queue instead of calling the staff you know to speed things up and attend to you before all the people you met there?

If Nigeria starts working, would you be fine paying a fine of 50,000 naira for littering or urinating by the roadside?

If Nigeria starts working, are you sure you would be able to start doing things right to keep up?

This is in no way trying to justify or speak for any government, but if you were there, would you actually be better? Would you?

I’m not sure that all the corrupt officials in government we have today had a dream to become the country’s most corrupt. You may not believe this, but they probably started out thinking they would rise through the ranks and become the nation’s finest leader one day.

It’s those little loopholes you have that you think are nothing that would eventually be your undoing. You who cheat for free, with nothing at stake but a C in a course you genuinely did not prepare for, shey it is “free” money you won’t take when you get the chance?

We really need to introspect.

The minimum standard God expects from us is righteousness. It’s perfection. Even when it is not easy. Actually, especially when it is not easy. That gan gan, is the real work.

Some people can genuinely not go an entire day without breaking a law, without telling a lie, without doing something wrong, and we seek a better Nigeria.

Become a better person first, then let’s come back and talk about a better Nigeria.

Shalom.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

After all, after 123 weeks of consistent writing, would it hurt to take a week off because of the many things that are happening at the same time?

Well, this season of my life is one where I have a thousand things to do, but the time and energy for only a few.

And as this season is unfolding, I see people in a season where they have the time and energy to do a thousand things, but do only a few and I can’t help but think of how much time they are wasting.

I started this series a while ago and it’s finally coming to an end with something that does not readily appear to be a sin to the average person.

Sloth is referred to as physical or spiritual laziness. And it is not just a sin, but a deadly sin. But why?

Let’s check the most prominent place that the Bible talks about laziness or rather, the opposite.

“Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.” Proverbs 6:6-8.

The scripture above highlights how creatures as small and negligible as ants pay attention to their seasons and utilize it well such that they never lack. These are creatures with less developed brains than humans . These are creatures that cannot be compared to us in complexity and advancement.

Yet, the Bible says that we should consider ther ways and learn wisdom from them. Why? Because many people lack the wisdom of putting in the work when it’s time to, so as to reap the benefits later.

Unlike the ants, we often spend our time the opposite way. We relax and laze around in the summer of our lives and then expect the God of miracles to show up when its harvest time. We use the summer of our lives to scroll TikTok and twitter and expect to be millionaires under 25 by whatever stroke of luck.

And God considers that a sin. Misappropriation of the time he gave us to fulfill destiny.

The ant has no ruler, no overseer, no advisor, but somehow, they make a prosperous and happy life for themselves. Putting in the work when they should, and resting when it’s time to rest.

I’m in a season of my life where I have so much to do. So much ambition, so much ideas, so much to deliver but unfortunately, I am constrained by time, and the duties I’m obligated to fulfill mandatorily at this time.

But when I look at people in the seasons I can’t wait to get to, lazing around and wasting it on useless things, I understand why sloth is a sin.

Because how can you be wasting life? How can you be wasting destiny?

A mediocre mind is actually gross dishonor to God. I look at people like Pastor Nick vujicic and I tell myself that I have a long, long way to go.

Imagine having no arms and no limbs but still being an author of many books and a global preacher and speaker. Me with all my hands and legs, what exactly am I doing with all that God has embedded in me?

I will do one thing moving forward…I will consider the ways of the ant and be wise. I will work hard in my youth and store my provision for the future. I will make use of the time, the wisdom, the gifts and the resources God has given me. I will be wise with it and not be slothful. So help me God.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

I did mention that one of the many reasons I left was because it was a lot of bad news day in, day out. Actually, not just bad. Toxic, immoral, ungodly, and a lot of heartbreaking things that you get to see on the internet, including the steady decline of the IQ of people around you still as a result of negative exposure to social media.

Anyways, that’s not the topic for today. We will not digress and talk about the decline of the IQ of people.

The thing is, in my attempt to escape from the internet, or rather, social media, I have not stopped hearing the news I was running away from.

Sometimes, I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing running away from the news or if I need to sit with it to stay aware.

I’ll write a bit freely about this topic because a large percentage of my subscribers (86%) reside in Nigeria, so there’s a chance we know what is going on.

Something has become so persistent that I can’t help but notice. Nigeria’s problem is Nigerians.

You see, we claim with our mouths that we love our country and we want the best for our country, but it’s a lie. We claim that we feel the pain of those people directly affected by the evil going on in this country, but it’s a big lie.

We do not have the ability to sit in silence, in discomfort and in grief as a people, both on small and large scales. And it’s very, very sad to see.

Ochanya. Remember her?

#OchanyaIsMe #OchanyaIsYou

What’s wrong now? Ochanya is no longer me and you? What happened to the “we won’t be quiet until justice is served?”

We’ve become so desensitized to the crazy things happening that it has become normal. The average Nigerian can, in the same heartbeat, make a post of the beheaded teacher and, the next second, post memes because the severity of the situation is lost on us.

As a people, we lack the ability to sit with a problem until it’s been solved. We get too excited and too distracted way too easily. And it’s terribly sad to see.

I’d give you an instance that would make you understand that truly, we are Nigeria’s problems.

I’m in my fifth and final year in school, and recently, we’ve had a very challenging lecturer who is new, by the way. He’s proven to be so difficult that his method of lecturing is literally affecting everyone, including the brightest of the bright ones in the class.

After a very difficult test the man gave, the class group was in a bit of disarray. People asking, “What the heck did we just write?” People posting on their statuses about how chaotic the test was, and some others swearing for the man in one way or the other.

The group was buzzing when it was time to talk about the problem, but the moment people started leaning toward solutions and stickers were no longer a valid means of fixing the problem, the group became quieter and quieter.

I brought up the topic two days later, asking what the solution to the problem was and suggesting something, and for a reasonable amount of time, I was aired like laundry. Of course, later on, few people spoke and contributed. Very few people, even after the course rep had tagged “@all” like 7 times.

Fast forward to a few days later, I came and met over a hundred messages on the group. What had happened? Someone had dropped a photo of one of our classmates with a lady, and people were teasing him, and that one was more interesting and engaging to the people, so it had more responses.

Shey you see that we are our problem? When there is no amusement, no trend, no hashtags, no influencer, I’m not sure that we still really care for our problems that much.

With all that is going on in this country, let Big Brother Naija start, and you’d see where the heart and mind of everyone is.

But it’s one thing to know what is going on; it’s another thing to do something about it. And what I’ve noticed, sadly, is that everyone has an opinion on what’s going on, but nobody does anything substantial.

This newsletter isn’t one that’s coming with a solution to the problem because I myself genuinely don’t know what the solution is. But it will come with a plea: let’s be a little more sensitive. A little more involved, a little more conscious.

When we give a minute of silence to the deceased in any gathering, it is not because we think it can bring them back. It is to acknowledge their absence. It is to say, “Grief is not a comfortable feeling, but I will take an entire 60 seconds to acknowledge that this person would have been with us but is no more.”

It is a practice to remind us of the deceased. But the funny thing is, many times, it’s a total of 14 seconds because we have not mastered the art of sitting down or, in this case, standing up with that feeling of grief and discomfort.

I’ve found that many people, especially youth, don’t know what to say to someone that is bereaved. The average youth will use ChatGPT to generate a condolence message, but we are never out of fun stickers and bants when it’s time to gist.

Let us not talk about these kids like they are numbers. If anything, let it remind us that it could have been any of us.

You see, when this thing hit me deeply was when I saw the video of the woman begging the government to intervene at gunpoint. And in a split second, I saw an image of my mom.

You see, my mom has a dress similar to what the woman was wearing, and when I saw the design on the dress, I couldn’t unsee it. I wonder how her children sleep at night if they do. We say we stand in solidarity with them, but we can’t even bear their grief for a full 30 seconds; we are quickly looking for the next thing to amuse us.

I say all these things because I am a strong empath, and I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if that were my mom or if one of my siblings were abducted like that.

But beyond that, I’ve been at gunpoint before too.

A big, long gun was pointed at my head, and in that moment, the only prayer on my mind was that when the gun clicks, I find myself in heaven. And I prayed for my family too because we were all there lying on the floor at gunpoint and I was so sure we would die.

Maybe it’s because I know what that feels like; I know that being at the mercy of a captor is no joke. That’s why I’m very conscious of these things. It is not something you should mix with jokes and memes. It is real-life danger.

So at the very least, whenever you come across those posts, let it touch you. Yes, let it make you feel sad a bit. Let it move you to pray, let it move you to intercede for the people in captivity, and let it move you to get your PVC and vow that come what may, you will cast your vote in the coming election. Let it move you to be a more compassionate person, let it move you to tell people about Christ more often, because you don’t know which day would be anyone’s last.

When I think of it now, that day that I thought we would die, I remember having only one prayer clearly: “Let ALL of us meet in heaven.”

My dad and my eldest sister were not there, and I remember already feeling so sad that they would deal with the weight of the sorrow of our deaths. But even as a primary school child, I remained comforted that at least the remaining four of us will meet in heaven.

Sadly, I can’t say that that is everyone’s final thought when a gun is held to their heads because they probably don’t even think about God.

So, we do have so much work to do with telling people about Christ because, as incredibly sad as it is, we cannot guarantee anyone’s safety anymore, but we can at least lead people to Christ so that their eternity is guaranteed and they don’t suffer here and still end up suffering in eternity.

And yes, pray for Nigeria too. Pray for peace, pray for safety and security. Anything that makes you very angry, take it and turn it into prayer.

Just keep praying as you keep staying safe to the best of your ability because weren’t the kids picked up from their very own school? It is well. God be with us and keep us safe.

I pray for the children and everyone else being help captive that there is divine intervention for them. I decree God’s wrath and judgment upon the captors and all their sponsors in Jesus name.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

Well, actually, that’s an exaggeration. I just deleted Twitter (or X, whatever) because it was the last social media app I had. I had an Instagram account but they kicked me out and every effort to create another has failed. Thank God, because Instagram is my favourite social media app and I tend to spend so long there.

Anyways, I still have Substack (of course), Pinterest, LinkedIn and YouTube. But apart from those, I don’t use any other social media app. I have Snapchat too but it’s only for taking pictures and making videos. I don’t know how to use the app beyond those functionalities, and some people call me old for that, but I don’t mind.

Is there a reason I’m telling you all this unnecessary information?

Yes, actually, there is.

You see, at some point this year, I started to notice something. I was beginning to get influenced and affected by the things I was seeing and hearing.

And if you automatically think that I mean it in a bad way, you’re not entirely correct.

For the influence part, I listen to messages online, and I started to notice that because of how many Pastor Dolapo, Pastor Lawrence or Pastor Poju messages I have listened to, I have caught myself sounding exactly like them. There was a day I was talking to someone and immediately, a voice in my head said, “You sound so much like Pastor Dolapo. That’s exactly what he would say in this situation.”

And the thing is, I’ve never listened to them with the intention of sounding exactly like them. It never even crossed my mind that by listening to them that much, I would start to talk like them.

But that’s what happens when you consume content. It infiltrates into you and changes you. Slowly. Sometimes, unknowingly.

As for the not-so-good side, I think I wrote about it in one of my recent newsletters, and I’d use this example again. I saw someone say on a podcast that proposing to a woman on her birthday or on Valentine’s Day is wrong.

The explanation was that it was low effort and required minimal planning. They said that it’s only useless men that do it. Men that don’t value a woman enough to separate dates and let everything have its own special celebration.

What if they wanted to travel to Hawaii for her birthday and the Maldives for the proposal?

And lowkey, I started believing it. Not the entire thing, just the part about it feeling like a low-effort way to escape planning two separate events for someone you claim to love.

But I sat down, by myself, and asked, what exactly is the problem with being proposed to on a certain day, by someone who loves you wholeheartedly?

Why was some random podcast girl’s opinion affecting something that I genuinely don’t mind?

And I really thought about it. What is the matter with that?

Do I really care that much? If you are close to me, you would know that I take 1 Thessalonians 4:11 quite seriously, especially the part about leading a quiet life. I do not care for loud proposals. I do not care for parties. I do not care for anything public. I do not care for separating dates. I love a very simple life. So why was this lady’s opinion rubbing off on me?

Now, for the affecting part. There is so much content you see on the internet every day. So much negative news, so much mood-changing content, so much that I would normally want to avoid, but it is right in front of me. Bad news every time, annoying takes that upset your mood, people barely wearing any clothes, just time-wasting rubbish. And I noticed that the more you consume negative content, the more indifferent you become to it. The more numb you become to it.

Suddenly, your brain is being trained to receive bad behaviour and bad news as normal, because of how much of it you are consuming.

This reminds me of when we moved to my parents’ current house. There was a place somewhere at the back where they used to play music. I hated it so much because they never played any Christian music or even any randomly good music, and it was always so loud and very annoying. After a while, it became like background noise. Just there, playing. No longer very annoying. But you know the funny thing? After some more time, I started humming along and singing to it.

And that is usually what influence looks like. More things are affecting you than you actually know, and it takes an intentional effort to cut them off.

It always starts little by little, and before you know it, lying, cheating, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, nudity, and every other vile thing just becomes very regular in your life because of how much content surrounding those things you have consumed.

I remember a Christian friend of mine telling me how she watched a movie where the main characters were gay and faced so much persecution that she felt deeply for them and found herself rooting for their love, because of how the story had been laid out.

And you, who knows how much God hates such sin, all of a sudden have a soft spot for it and begin to make excuses for it. Or you watch a movie where a man cheats on his wife, but the woman he is cheating with is nice and sweet, and the chemistry between them is better than what he has with his wife. Everything is engineered for you to see nothing wrong with cheating, and before long, you are rooting for their love too.

Or how about movies where a bunch of criminals pull off a bank heist, and the way the storyline is set up, you are on the edge of your seat hoping they succeed. Never mind that they killed three innocent people in the process. You just want them to get away with it.

You need to know that the world is primarily wired for sin and wrong things, and the best way to get you to align with sin is to numb you to the reality of it. To make it appealing and sentimental.

And that is why we have to guard our hearts very diligently.

What are the gates to our hearts? Our eyes and our ears. It is what you see and what you hear that shapes how you think.

The reason I went off social media is because I was genuinely sick of what I was seeing and hearing, and I was conscious of it. I do not want my everyday to be filled with the evil realities of the world we live in. I want to keep building my reality so strong in Christ, and in only good things, that I am oblivious to the rubbish happening around me. Some may call it delusion, and you’re probably not wrong. But I would choose guarding my heart and my peace over anything else.

And if you ask me, I think you should too.

Some of the negative thoughts you have are infused into you by the music you listen to, the videos you watch, the amount of time you spend doomscrolling on TikTok, the podcasts you listen to, the instructions people give you there, and the things you mindlessly accept.

So you need to be very careful, because many times you don’t even know when these things start affecting you, but they do.

Check what you listen to. Be mindful of what you watch and who you associate with. Keep yourself grounded, and the best way to do that is to take a daily dose of God’s word. Read, study and meditate on it. Not because you want to keep a streak on YouVersion, but because you genuinely want to grow. Change your playlists, your podcasts, your movies, and everything that numbs your conscience.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

And if I should write as though Paul asked me to write, “foolish” would not even scratch the surface of the adjectives I intend to use in writing to the New Age church.

I am so frustrated and disappointed by the happenings today.

Do you know how little you have to do to be considered very holy? Do you know how little you have to do to earn titles like “spiricoco,” “Mummy G.O.,” “apostle,” and “pastor”?

Do you know what the saints of old did to be associated with the name of Christ? Do you know what they had to endure? How dare you call yourself a Christian when there’s no difference between you and the world?

You talk the exact same way, your music playlist is the exact same as idol worshippers’. you defend the same things they defend, you dress the same way they dress, and you speak like them. There is no single difference between you and the world.

Light of the world, where is your light? Salt of the earth, where is your taste?

How can you be so embarrassed of this same God that saved you and called you his child? What is there to be ashamed of? Who exactly are you trying to impress?

When Paul wrote the scripture “What can separate us from the love of Christ?” he mentioned many serious things that can separate people from the love they have for Christ. Famine, sword, nakedness, hunger, but you, it’s the lifestyle you want to have, it’s the boy you like, the girl you like, the fake friends that you are trying to impress that do not really send you. It’s money, it’s food, it’s work, it’s everything that is superficial.

You’ve never had a gun pointed at your head for the sake of Christ, you’ve not been displaced and walked to another country through the desert barefoot, you’ve not been stoned, flogged, or burned, but you open your mouth and call yourself the same title as people who have undergone the most brutal experiences—Christian. But you don’t live like one.

You think you can be a Christian and still have the “privileges” of the world. You can commit certain sins that you feel comfortable committing but not all sins. You can keep breaking the Ten Commandments until you get to number 6. Murder is wrong, but fornication isn’t. Pride isn’t. Covetousness isn’t. Smoking and drinking aren‘t. Stealing isn’t. Idolizing people and music that doesn’t glorify God, idolizing fashion, food, or anything else is not a sin.

What exactly are we doing calling ourselves Christians?

I’m someone who listens to a lot of sermons from a lot of preachers, and with how much I’ve listened, I know for sure that there are many solid teachers out there. I know that the shepherds of the flock are genuinely trying, but many people just want to keep living in sin. You just want to keep doing wrong and you know what is wrong.

And so often, we take God for a fool, a big fool. You say that you will do all you want and still make heaven. You say that you will serve the Lord when you are ready. You go to church, you pray, and you cry during worship, but you leave the church and act like non-believers throughout the week.

What is wrong with us?

There is no deficiency of the solid word of God in many streams, the sheep just don’t want to be fed“manifesting.”. Pastor Dolapo would always say that in this day, a boring message is one where lots of scriptures are preached.

But when pastors start telling stories or talking about love, relationships and marriage, people become very active.

In a message, what else should be used if not scriptures?

We are so anti-God, but we desire all his blessings. We like the part of Christianity that talks about material and financial blessings, that talks about favor surrounding you like a shield, and the parts that talk about Abraham’s blessings being yours. Okay, but what of Abraham’s sacrifices? What about his fellowship with God? What of his faith, his patience, his perseverance?

Every time, “My blessings overflow,” never, “Jesu my love, I want to make you smile, I want to make you proud.”

We treat God like a servant, scratch that, like a slave. We want all the benefits of God, but we want to never be associated with him.

You think about it deeply and critically. If you had a child or a close friend that always acted embarrassed of you, always mocked and broke your rules, and never associated with you in public but always came to you acting entitled and demanding things from you and blackmailing you with the fact that you love them and you wouldn’t deny them whatever they want, how would that make you feel? Just imagine that.

In the debate of people talking about whether certain sins are right or wrong, I have hardly ever heard a non-Christian defend that they’re right. I’m talking homosexuality, cheating, smoking drinking, gambling clubbing and the like.

I have never been mocked or called overspiritual by a non-Christian for playing Christian music.

What I’m saying is that, if I’m in a gathering of diverse people, and we are playing music connected to Bluetooth, and it gets to my turn and I play Christian music because I am a Christian, the people that will scoff and mock and ask you to change it are never non-Christians.

They go by the names John, Peter, Juliet, Florence, Christian…

Imagine being mocked by a Christian for playing Christian music in a gathering of Christians.

Imagine being mocked by Yoruba people for speaking Yoruba in a gathering of Yoruba people. Sounds crazy, right?

If you go to a party and refuse to smoke or drink alcohol, the people who would laugh the loudest at you are Christians. Heck, the people offering you are Christians. WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON?

Every Sunday around the world, billions of people are trooping in and out of church, but somehow, the world is still dirty and disgusting because there is just number, no substance.

Do you know what it means to have five upright people in a gathering of 15 people?

If you had five soldiers in the midst of 15 civilians, do you know how safe they would feel? Do you know how much the remaining people would learn about safety? Do you know how much power and influence the soldiers would have over the civilians? No matter how wealthy you are, you would still respect the soldiers.

“Onward, Christian soldiers,” but we just keep going backward. Many atheists have more moral values than us.

How dare you call yourself a Christian? What are you even doing? What is the distinction between you and the world? Have you forgotten where you are coming from? What your assignment is? Have you gotten so distracted? Have you been online so much that you forget that there are forces fighting against your soul? Have you been so brainwashed?

In the days when Christ was alive, and even after he died and went home, when you saw his followers, you could tell. Now, if a demon-worshipping secular musician organizes a party, 85% of the attendees will be Christians.

Talk about Asake on Saturday, Dunsin on Sunday.

No one has a personal relationship with God anymore. At your big age, you don’t spend even 5 minutes a day praying. FIVE MINUTES O! You wake up and pick up your phone and start scrolling TikTok. And you don’t know that your life is being taken away from you. At this your big age, you don’t set time aside to pray, to fast, to study the word. at your big age!

You join one online morning devotion twice a week and you think that’s enough to sustain your spirit man. You don’t even feed your flesh twice a week, not even twice a day for God’s sake!

You live your entire life doing everything but what God command. You spend time away from God, but you expect him to show up at your beck and call.

You wake up in the morning and post an Asake, or Wizkid or Niki Minaj song that has “Jesus” or “God” in it. Then you post quotes on “manifesting”

You step it up and post Dunsin’s song with the caption “Happy Sunday” every Sunday, and you think that is fellowship with God?

How does it work? Actually, how do you think it works? I need to really have a conversation with people. How can you be so nonchalant about your walk with God?

Not even that you’re trying and failing…you’re not trying at all.

But on the day before an exam, before an interview, you start playing Nathaniel Bassey songs. Or the periodic times where they do the Hallelujah challenge, you connect to dance and sing, and you don’t even open your mouth to pray. Except when you want to pray for money and the newest iPhone

“As for me, I believe that God is for me, nothing can go wrong in my life. God is a good father; he is always taking care of his own.” Are you even his own?

I am heavily disappointed and disgusted by this behavior, especially because most of you indulging in this actually know better. You do. You are just lazy and giving in to the devil to Lord your life because, newsflash, if God is not the lord of your life, your life is not lordless; you have just not yet woken up to the reality of your new lord.

Are you aware that the tenets of the gospel, the principles of Christ, and the commandments for holy living have not changed one bit from the day of Pentecost till now?

Not much left to say, but the day you can use one eyeball to look to the sky and the other to look to the ground, then that day, you should know that it’s possible to serve God and the world. Until then, pick a side.

As for Titilayo, and her household, they will serve the lord in deed and truth.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

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Aha! I saw how your mind just flinched, like, “Should I even be reading something like this?” Well, you should o. You should!

Because every single soul that would ever read this newsletter came to this world through sex, yet no one wants to talk about it.

But me, I will talk about it today. Not just because I want to, but because the whole world is already talking about it, just not in a way that cares about your soul but in a way that enhances the destruction of it.

But today, our soul is escaped from the snare of the fowler that is sexual sin. Amen.

Society is hypersexual.

This was the title of one of Ezinne Zara’s most recent youtube videos where she and Gideon Vese talked about this same topic, and omo, crazy things are happening. And the beginning of those crazy things is how sex has become very casualized.

One of the crazy things that I heard in that video is how a teenage boy’s first introduction to sex was from a woman in her late 20s to early 30s who had a 7 year old daughter. She invited the teenage boy to her house and would have sex with him multipe times. That is even child abuse. What manner of demon is in you to want to sleep with a teenage boy?

I know that the devil is extremely cunning, and when he wants to introduce a weapon of mass destruction, he starts by saying, “Hey, it’s harmless.” That’s how I described sin in the article, the wolf and the knife. And sex is one of those weapons, and that’s why it’s been casualized.

A very vivid description is given in Reverend Christie Bature’s message, Your sexuality, your spirituality

I’ve listened to this message three times. First, at WOFBEC, second and third times were when I needed to get my facts and the scriptures right in preparation to talk to people who had confided in me that they were struggling with sexual sin and addiction.

But I didn’t watch it a fourth time today in preparation for this newsletter because I genuinely don’t have the time, and I feel like every single person should watch the video. You most definitely need the video, not just a summary of it.

But I’d say a thing or two from the message.

Sex is worship.

It is the highest level of showing intimacy, and it is a typology of the intimacy between Christ and his bride when we are aligned. And that is why it is only supposed to occur in the confines of marriage. Which is a covenant that represents our union with Christ.

Deepest form of intimacy between a man and his wife → sex

Deepest form of intimacy between the lord and his bride → worship

It was God’s tool to show us how connected we can be to him when we build intimacy with him. Yes, sex was made for pleasure, but that is a secondary use of sex. And even that pleasure was meant to be experienced only in marriage.

There’s no substitute for sex

I’m ready to shake and destroy tables on this topic.

In order to stay away from sex, people come up with so many other substitutes. And this is the flawed mindset. That, since I don’t want to have sex before marriage and God said it is bad, he definitely permits a substitute. If not, what am I supposed to do with all these feelings he gave me?

Very good question o. And the answer is “nothing.”

Yes, nothing!

You are not supposed to do anything with those feelings he gave you; you are to preserve them for marriage.

Pornography, masturbation, and all other sex-adjacent acts that people engage in under the guise of “I need to satisfy these desires” are still wrong.

And no, I’m not judging you at all or saying that sexual purity is a walk in the park, not at all. What I am trying to emphasize is that sex is not a basic necessity of life. It’s not something you have to do, or something that, if you don’t engage in, you fall back to a safer alternative that does not involve the actual act of conventional sex. No. You can just decide to live without it.

Like I said, how you’d truly know that it’s a big deal is by how people can barely do without it now. You say, “It’s just sex,” but for some reason, that’s where your mind, body and soul is all day. If it’s just sex, abstain from it na. If it’s not that deep, then leave it.

But you see, it’s not just sex. It’s a form of worship.

And one more thing Christie Bature said is that if you’re performing sex outside of the confines of the covenant it was instituted for, you’re still performing worship, but guess who’s there to receive the worship?

You probably got that right. You are worshipping Satan. You don’t need a shrine to be a devil worshipper. In the confines of your home, you can do that very conveniently.

And for porn and masturbation, I’d take them one after the other.

Do you know that many of the actors in pornography are women and children that were trafficked by rich people to cater to the depraved needs of people? And do you know that for every video you click, you are contributing to that billion-dollar industry of children and women, and probably men, trafficking?

Do you know that some of those women wake up in the morning and hate themselves but go to do it anyway because they have to eat? Do you know that some of those people struggle with depression and eventually commit suicide?

And you, child of God, daily contribute to that industry, daily loading yourself with all forms of demons and depravities?

And for masturbation, haven’t you heard that your body is the temple of the living God? How dare you desecrate the temple? How dare you?

How dare you dance to the tune of the deadly desires that the devil keeps singing in your ear as a result of demonic exposure? How dare you?

Sex involves transference of spirits and soul ties.

I read an article where someone said “soul ties” is not a fancy religious way of expressing what happens after sex; it is a very real occurrence. And this is from someone that has experienced it before.

And I believe this because sex in itself is very powerful. It is the way (almost) everyone was born. Even in the physical, it requires the exchange of bodily fluid and substance. It feels like a part of you is with a person you have sex with. Now, how much more in the spiritual?

You are exchanging spirits and demons, and not just arithmetically, but exponentially. You remember the only time the Bible talked about the multiplication of demons?

The Bible said, if the demon goes and doesn’t find a place to dwell, it goes back to find 7 demons more wicked than itself. That is not an arithmetic or geometric progression; it’s exponential.

Because all those seven demons would eventually go back and bring seven more each and so on and so forth.

Often times, we see children exhibit certain patterns that their parents have. We see them and go, “He behaves just like his father.” Or we see a newly married couple and start saying, “You guys now kinda look alike,” and I believe these things happen when certain things are passed down or exchanged through the vehicle that is sex.

In the same vein, actually, in a more severe capacity, demons that exist in people’s lives are being transferred from one person to another. And for every seven demons you come with and the seven that the other person comes with, each party goes back with a whooping 49 demons manifesting in them. That’s assuming that they came with only seven o.

Now, when your body count keeps increasing, you go with your 49, with someone that is at 343, and you have an army of demons possessing you and taking over both your lives.

And then you wonder why since you started sleeping with someone, you can’t pray again, and you’ve begun to have nightmares, and mood swings, and suicidal thoughts, and panic attacks…well, I hate to break it to you, but the legion has just started manifesting their authority in your life.

And there’s a higher level of demon possession. Where the demons stay very quiet and don’t allow you to notice their presence in your life so that they can keep multiplying through you. That phase where casual sex becomes so normal, you don’t even feel the effect.

Once the enemy catches you like that, you can now be the vehicle for the planting of their seeds among many others. And this happens when your spirit is already very numb to these things.

A lot of people hear these things and laugh. They say that religious people are so dumb. “How can you transfer anything just by having sex? Why do people believe such fables?” Well, they are not fables o. They are very real. And I know this because I’ve heard from enough reliable sources to know that these things actually exist.

How can you break free from sexual sin?

Believe me, the primary way to break free from this sin is to hate it.

You cannot be free from something you like. You cannot be free from something you tolerate. You cannot be free from something you don’t disapprove of. You cannot be free from something you’re indifferent about. You need to hate it.

And why should you hate it? Because God hates it. Because it is devil worship.

The idea that you need to stay away from sin only to help yourself is not entirely true. You stay away from sin because God commands it. God hates it, and that’s enough reason.

Humans have found a lot of ways to mitigate the physical effect of premarital sex. Now, you can have sex without pregnancy, without the risk of transmission of diseases, so what stops you? The fear of God. The fact that God frowns at it. That in itself should be enough.

You need to FLEE

Yes, sexual sin is generally viewed as the “most sinful sin.” It’s the most shameful if found out, it’s the one people never want to talk about, it’s the one that carries a lot of stigma if it leads to diseases or pregnancy, but in many ways, it’s the most preventable sin.

It almost always involves a physical act of having sex, clicking on a video to watch porn, masturbating, or whatever else there is in the WhatsApp group of sexual sin. Because I heard that there are many other things.

But the fact that it has a physical expression means it has a physical way of stopping it.

See, for sins like pride and envy, they might grow deeply in your heart without you knowing. It’s possible to have these sins without a physical expression. Most times, it’s a thing of the heart. But people don’t just commit sexual sin with their hearts; they perform a physical act.

That means, if you know everything that leads to that point of sin, you can avoid it.

I’d give you a practical example.

You are dating or talking to someone you like and are clearly attracted to, and you know that your flesh is weak at this point. They invite you to their house, and you clearly have an opportunity to leave by 6pm, and you stall. And then it’s 9pm, and they start suggesting that you spend the night. If you agree, what will happen that night may go beyond just physical interaction. Why? Because you are made of flesh and that flesh is very weak.

And you will know deep down that that 6pm was God’s way of reminding you to run. You will also know that at 9pm, there were still fully functioning Ubers, but you decided to give in. Knowing fully well that your flesh was already weak.

Another practical example

If you struggle with porn and you have a certain app that exposes you to things that are your triggers, DELETE THE APP.

Delete it with immediacy. Haven’t you tried a thousand times? Told yourself that this was the last time, 8 last times ago?

Told yourself that you’re now stronger than that and you can still scroll that app without getting the urge? How many times did it work?

It’s possible to overlook the traps the enemy conveniently sets for you, but you have to be steps ahead.

Pray ooooo, pray!

When something happens once, it’s an experiment; when it happens twice, maybe a mistake, but when it happens the third time, you have gotten yourself into an addiction, and at this stage, you are now fighting serious spiritual battles.

And like Theophilus Sunday said, prayer is the spear used to take down the enemy.

You cannot afford not to pray. At all.

You are not fighting a physical battle, and the weapons of our warfare aren’t carnal, so you must pray oooo, you must pray!

Keep busy

Honestly, one of the reasons you keep getting tempted is because you have too much time on your hands. Or maybe you don’t document your time well enough, and then your spare time gets taken up by just anything. And the roaring lion that is seeking whom to devour will be standing by the doorside with all sorts of suggestions of sins.

Lock in so much that after each task, you have another task to do. After your tasks, pick up your bible and read. If you don’t feel like reading it, just listen to it on the audio Bible and sleep.

Wo, you have to war against this thing by whatever means necessary o.

Be accountable

I’ve heard a lot of people who struggle with sin and who have rehabilitation centers for such people say that accountability helps keep people grounded.

Sometimes, the knowledge that you’re going to have to explain your shortcomings to someone who, even though you know they mean the best for you, might still be disappointed at you for doing certain things, keeps you from doing those things atogether.

Such people act as pillars of support and instruction, and they make the journey easier.

If you’re reading this and you have any more tips and suggestions for people struggling with sexual sin, kindly drop them in the comments. I’m only talking from a lot of research, messages, articles and videos, but your insight might be really helpful.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

Well, I’ve been minding that business until I saw some things this past week.

The first thing I saw that absolutely put me off was a post I saw somewhere. It was a picture of a couple where the man had the woman’s face tattooed on his entire back. And no, that was not even what vexed me. It was the caption. Just take a look.

Now, on the surface level, this doesn’t look like a big deal until you realize that it is people who should know better that are defining the standard of love by whether a man tattoos their faces on his back.

And the thing is, if you were to open the comments to find what people think about such things, you would see hundreds and thousands of people wishing for that type of love. And you begin to wonder, what exactly is love? What does it take to have a solid relationship or marriage? A tattoo of your partner on someone’s back?

Let me branch out of that one to the next annoying thing I saw this past week. A young man posted a video where he arranged lots of dry leaves on a trail because his girlfriend likes the sound of dry leaves being stepped on. So he decided to arrange them in a long trail so she could walk on them. I sighed and opened the comments.

“Oh my God, may this kind of love attack me🥹❤️”
“Girl, he’s definitely a keeper”
“I didn’t know such men still exist”
“This will send a nonchalant man into a coma”

And I’m just looking at them like:

Is all well with you? Because of leaves?

I mean, if 16-year-olds are saying that, you too, as a 27-year-old woman, think that’s the standard for love? Oho!

Now, somebody is probably thinking, “Haba, Titilayo, your own is too much. Let people like what they like.”

But omo, what people like is foolish and unrealistic, and me, I will talk.

Because it goes beyond these comments that people type. Many people actually think like that. They think that because a man pours dry leaves on the walkway for you, he is the right one.

Worse still, they start thinking that that is the standard, and if your man doesn’t pour grass on the ground for you to walk on or tattoo your face on his back, then he is not good enough. He is nonchalant.

And brethren, you know the worst part? There are some men that desperately want to fit into that narrative that they do these things. And I don’t know how tanked your self-esteem must be for you to want to perform unrealistic shows of love just for the approval of women, especially the ones where they record you to post on the internet.

Again, someone is saying, “Haba, Titilayo, let people show love the way they want to.” And again, I am not stopping anyone, but we can’t keep accepting that as the standard. The fact is, this thing is actually eating deep into the minds of young people.

The problem is not in these shows of love. The problem is in spreading the idea that that is what is acceptable and nothing less. The problem is that when people want to write a list of the type of lover they want, they start thinking of a man that will tattoo their face on his back, and all the other many unrealistic and performative standards that the internet has set for them.

And well, you, whose partner doesn’t even like to post on social media, begin to make issues out of nothing.
“You don’t even post me, but your mates are happily tattooing their partner’s face on their back and showing it off to the world, yet you can’t even post me on your story. Do you even love me?”

Someone who is busy working two jobs to be able to take care of you in the future. Someone who genuinely loves you, considers you, prays for you, and is very mindful of your emotions.

You begin to envy what another person has. And what does the other person have? A jobless boyfriend that panders to everything his girlfriend says. A low self-esteem boyfriend dating a low self-esteem girlfriend who feels the need to show how much her man loves her every single day by doing unrealistic things. Two jobless people.

Because maybe if you both were busy enough, you wouldn’t feel the need to record silly things like that and post them on the internet for the approval of people.

What they don’t tell you is that just because he pours leaves or has a tattoo of you doesn’t mean he has sense. It doesn’t mean he can lead you and your family.

Omo, just because he’s 6’4, with blue eyes and pink lips, does not mean he can hold intellectual conversations. It does not mean he can be a good spiritual covering for you and your family, and it doesn’t mean your future and that of your kids is guaranteed.

All these unrealistic and very shallow standards by grown women make me very confused. And so sorry, today’s focus is on women because I do love women so much, and I’m genuinely tired of seeing them make mistakes because of the unrealistic content they keep consuming.

Because what do you mean that at 25, you are asked what you want in a man, and you open your mouth and start with “6’4, dark, tall, handsome, earns 7 figures”?

Where is your head at?

Nothing about the content of the character. Nothing about the strength of their walk with God. Nothing about qualities that ensure compatibility between you.

Nothing is wrong with having all those physical qualities, but you’ve been fed aesthetically pleasing relationships so much that you forget that being with someone involves wayyyyy more than “looking good together.”

It involves the hard conversations about how you deal with hard days, finances, loss and grief, in-laws, kids, future and business plans, investments, and so much more. But nobody thinks about that when choosing a partner anymore. That’s why you start with only physical qualities.

Now, after these women finish with their unrealistic standards, they come and add, “I want an emotionally intelligent and stable man, I want a God-fearing man,” bla bla bla.

You don’t know what those things mean. Emotionally stable means he doesn’t care to pander just to please you. He doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to do just because you think it will look good on the internet. It also means that you may not agree with everything he says at the time you meet, but he is willing to learn from you and teach you things.

But, and I say a big but, many women have not even yet gotten to the place where they can mentally deal with such men. Honestly.

And you can tell by the things they already say, even when they list what they want in a man. Many women have fantasized about this idea of, “When I eventually get into a relationship, I will pepper everybody. Me and my partner with matching outfits. I will record him opening the door for me every time. I will record him randomly staring at me in love. I will record him doing this and that thing for me.” Basically, they want a yes-man. Someone who won’t say no to their excessive and unreasonable asks. A puppet that they can control.

And then you get with someone who is disciplined, has high self-esteem, doesn’t care to live a 3, 2, 1 action life where everything has to be recorded, someone who doesn’t agree with your very unrealistic and performative ideas, and you start saying they are toxic or don’t love you.

This thing is such a pandemic, and it’s really concerning. When God instituted love and marriage, He didn’t have all these modern-day internet standards in mind. He had 1 Corinthians 13 in mind. And maybe you need to get back there to know what God’s standard of love is.

So before you start measuring love by what you see online, pause.

Ask yourself what actually lasts. What actually builds. What actually sustains a relationship when life is no longer aesthetic.

Because love is not a performance. It is not for the internet. And if you don’t define it properly, the internet will gladly do it for you.

Until next week,

Titilayo

Ever wondered why gluttony is a sin? I mean, what’s the harm in having a bigger appetite than others? Why can’t I eat what I want when I want? But it’s a lot deeper than that.

What is gluttony?

Gluttony is the habitual, excessive, and over-indulgent consumption of food, drink, or resources, often characterized by eating beyond necessity.

And why is gluttony a sin?

From the definition, it goes just beyond eating. It is eating in a way that controls you, rather than you controlling your appetite. It depicts a gross lack of self-control and idolatry of food.

And one may ask, isn’t it just food? Well, it goes beyond that. Most times, the way we treat or indulge our flesh mirrors how our spirit is faring. Because more often than not, there is an inverse relationship between our flesh and our spirit.

The more you feed your flesh, the leaner your spirit is. And when you keep feeding your flesh with physical food, you numb yourself to so many things. You can’t fast, you can’t hear the voice of God, you have no discernment, and like the Bible describes such people, their belly is their god. (Phillipians 3:19)

Even without any spiritual reasons, gluttony is still considered an issue, an anomaly. There is no reason you should consume food excessively. The body doesn’t need that much food to function, and at some point, even non-spiritual folks would look at you and go, "You need help,” because it’s true.

Now, from a spiritual standpoint, know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost? How dare you desecrate God’s temple? How can you destroy God’s temple because of a lack of discipline?

There is this show called My 600-Lb Life, and on the show, there are people 600 pounds and above who have now decided that it’s time to lose weight.

This is an example of what they look like, and I promise you, and kid you not, these are some of the slimmest figures you would find on that show. I had to look for a picture that is not horrifying because some actually are.

And you wonder, how did they get here? It’s gluttony. Not knowing when to stop. Not seeing the problem and addressing it.

These days, I see some people gain a little weight and go, “I have to get in my 10k steps.” “I now eat only twice a day.” And I think it’s beautiful that even though their weight is not a problem yet, they see it and identify it.

But gluttony? It doesn’t see a need to stop anything. You just keep eating and eating until you find yourself as a candidate for the show.

And when I see some of them on the show telling their stories of how they got to that weight and trying to sound emotional and like the victim, I just feel like knocking their heads because, no sir, you didn’t just get to this stage overnight. Before you got to 600 lb, you were once at 300, then 350, then 400. And you didn’t stop until you got to the weight where you could no longer walk.

And before you judge those people because you are not yet there, I’d like you to know two things: one, you would in fact get there sooner or later if you do not give up gluttony; and two, it is the exact same spirit that is manifesting in them that is in you. Your flesh has just not caught up to that size.

So, if you find yourself having those tendencies, you need to fix them, or else the end is not pretty.

<Greed>

I put greed in the middle because I think it’s very directly linked to both gluttony and envy.

What is greed?

Greed is an intense, selfish, and insatiable desire for excessive wealth, possessions, power, or food, often pursued at the expense of others. It is characterized by wanting more than one needs or deserves, frequently described as an "unreasonable or immoderate love of possessing."

Greed is one of the most dangerous vices. Remember what the Bible says about the love of money? It’s the root of all kinds of evil. Every single kind of evil can be birthed from a place of greed.

On some days, when I think of the state of my country Nigeria and the level of greed and corruption, it makes me alarmed because it’s beyond normal human reasoning.

Because what do you mean someone embezzled billions and trillions of naira? How much can one actually spend in their lifetimes? To what end is all that money? I cannot wrap my head around it.

That demonic desire for excessive wealth.

This is not the same as desiring a good life for yourself and your family. This is a deep desire to keep amassing wealth that you will never be able to spend in your lifetime.

There are certain amounts that once you have, you and your family are pretty much set up for life. I dare say, if you have 200 million naira and some wisdom, you are more than good to go. Not that the money would solve all your problems for life, but it sets the ball rolling for you and your family. Many businesses can be birthed and run with such capital.

But these demonic people do not stop there. They never do. They take more and more and more. To the point that a couple of politicians put together are richer than the entire rest of the country. A country of about 200 million people. How insane is that?

Money that means nothing to you once your breath ceases.

And we hurl insults and curse these people in power, but if only a mirror were held up to our faces, we may see the exact image of those people where we ought to see ourselves because somehow, we have become one and the same.

It starts little by little, or, like I like to say, first, it’s fragrance; before you know it, it will turn to fire.

Because too many times, we ourselves are caught in the web of that selfish desire. We want to get rich quick. We want to get opportunities we very well don’t deserve, and we mask it under the disguise of praying for favor. We want to live the lives of those same demonic rich politicians, knowing fully well that those people are damaging the living conditions of millions.

And sometimes, when people curse those in power who are embezzling, it’s out of anger that it's not them. Because if they get into power, they will be worse than them. How do I know this? Greed is something that doesn’t just surface in the presence of money. It has been there all along. All you needed was a little catalyst to show you the stuff you are actually made of.

The antidote for greed? Contentment.

This craze for success, money and fame that has engulfed our world is not necessarily a good thing. The idea of wanting to have “bastard money,” as a lot of people say, stems primarily from greed.

I’m not saying I don't get the concept of wanting a good life for your family; I do. But let’s look at the definition of greed again. Wanting excessive wealth is actually greed.

The Bible says the Lord will supply all our need according to his riches in glory, but many times, his supply is never enough for us because it does not cover our wants, the desire to “press necks,” to “pepper them,” to “let them know.”

But when you live a contented life, you escape the grip of greed.

<Envy>

Envy is that which greed is built upon. It is everything greed needs to keep surviving. It is like yeast to the dough of greed. It is like an amplifier to the weak signal of greed.

How do we define envy?

Envy is a painful or resentful emotion caused by desiring someone else's advantages, possessions, or traits. It is often categorized into malicious (spiteful) or benign (motivational) forms.

Aha! That motivation you think you have to “make it out of the trenches" or “go hard or go home” most likely stemmed from the envy of another person’s success. Please catch your shade as it’s being handed to you because today is your day.

The crazy thing about envy is how it takes different shapes or forms and eats people up.

That thing that you are masking as discipline or locking in could be a secret desire to outdo someone you envy.

And maybe I say it a lot and sound like a broken record, but the internet has done little to help these vices. Rather, these sins. From gluttony to greed to envy.

Because you can be in the comfort of your home, scrolling the internet and finding someone who is living your dream life, and then your mind starts drifting to a shade of green. The envy green. And the way it now becomes masked as motivation is even more frightening because all the while you could be there thinking you’re just doing your best, but your soul has been colonized by the desire to become like someone, or better.

And the thing about these sins? They can enter your heart without you knowing. You can be a church-going, Bible-reading, tongue-speaking Christian and still have these tendencies because ultimately, you are still human, living in corruptible flesh.

But the good news is you can live above these sins! All it takes is intentionality and a high level of self-awareness. When you pray, ask God to strip you of your desires that don’t glorify him. Ask him to show you all the ways you’ve gone wrong and help you redirect to his original design.

These are prayers you ought to pray daily. In following Christ, we ought to take up our cross and die daily.

You can’t keep praying just for daily bread, job opportunities, acceptance letters, academic success and all these very petty things that were never meant to be prayer points but additions after you have sought God’s kingdom.

You need to start praying prayers that affect your soul. Prayers that liberate you from the chokehold of the sin you do not see. You need to start praying the prayers that affect the quality of your walk with God, not just the things you can get from God.

That is the only way you can overcome these sins.

<selah/>

Until next week,

Titilayo.

She was a widow, and she was broke broke. She had absolutely nothing to make money with. I believe she had tried and tried, and well, the economy was just so bad. I’m guessing the regime at the time didn’t favour her and her family, and some people can definitely relate, but it is well.

The woman’s creditors came to tell her that they were going to take her sons as slaves, and she was distraught.

Well, luck was on her side that day. Scratch that, God was on her side that day, and she came across this prophet and told him her predicament. And guess what he did? He didn’t pray, he didn’t prophesy, he didn’t give her money. He asked her a simple question:
“What do you have in your house?”

And she said, “Nothing… except a small jar of olive oil.”

Then the prophet asked her to go and borrow lots of empty jars. When she got inside, she was to close the door and begin to fill the empty jars. He then told her to sell the oil, pay her debts, and live on the rest. (2 Kings 4:1-7 paraphrased)

Now, why is this noteworthy? Because every one of us, like that woman, has empty jars that we are not using.

So, let’s break this down a little more.

The prophet’s response

Notice how his response to the woman’s tragic story was to ask what she already had at her disposal.

Oftentimes, when we need help, we want God to come down and drop manna right on the floor. We want Him to send ravens to feed us like He did with the prophet Elijah. But more often than not, the answer is right there with us.

Question: What do you have at your immediate disposal?

The woman’s response

“Nothing” was the first thing she said because, clearly, if she had something in her house, she wouldn’t be crying out for help. So, naturally, “I have nothing.”

And isn’t that what we all say today? “Nothing.”

But on second thought, she remembered there was something. That small jar of oil. No matter how insignificant it seemed in the moment.

The oil and the jars

The oil represents the skill or gift that we have, while the jars represent the potential, the space for that skill to grow.

Every single person has both a jar and oil.

The problem is that we look down on our jar. Practically speaking, who would have thought that a small jar of olive oil could mean anything?

Think about it. She didn’t say she had livestock, gold, silver, or expensive fabrics. She said she had a jar of olive oil.

The same way she likely despised it at first is how many of us treat our own “jar of oil.” We look down on it and consider it nothing.

But everyone does have their jar of oil.

The problem is that we’ve all formed a picture of what our jar should contain.

For some, your oil is your voice, but you’re so bent on pursuing a tech career that isn’t working out.
For others, your oil is your ability to do hair or makeup, but if you don’t work a 9 to 5, you feel like you’ve failed.
For some, their oil is their beauty. Their calling is face modeling, but they’re struggling through medical school because they’ve despised that oil.
For others, their oil is teaching, but the questions come: How do I make a career out of this? Who will pay me? How will I survive? So they settle for something else.

The truth is, everyone has oil, but oh, how we look down on oils!

We look at the person whose oil is football and wish that was ours. We look at the person whose oil is music and begin to look down on things like tailoring or dressmaking.

God has placed a jar of oil in everyone’s life so that when they are desperate enough to cry out to Him, He will make their oil overflow.

In this world, everyone cannot be tech giants, founders, CEOs, politicians, medical doctors, lawyers, or engineers, but you can be exactly what God has called you to be.

You can identify your oil, find jars, and start filling them. Keep expanding that little thing.

I’ve seen barbers make millions because they were skilled and diligent. I’ve seen nail technicians build very successful businesses because they found their oil and nurtured it.

One thing I am very certain of is this: God did not send you to Earth without your own jar of oil. Every single person has theirs. Some even have two or three.

Take that oil and turn it into something profitable. God has given us every single thing that we need to live above poverty. If you think you have nothing, you have not looked well.

Go to God today, and ask him to show you what your oil is if you have not found it already. And ask him to show you how best to fill your jars and give you the grace to do so.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

The pride that I want to talk about is not the very obvious, conspicuous air of superiority that we usually describe pride as. It is not the loud arrogance that announces itself.

It is quieter than that. It is that innate feeling of exaltation of one’s self. Yes, that pride.

Let’s start from two known, well-established facts. First off, everyone is the main character in their life, and secondly, everyone desires the best things of life for themselves.

Now that we’ve established those facts, let’s unpack it a little bit, using me as an example, of course.

You see, there was a time in my life when I used to wonder if everyone had their own lives or if they were just NPCs in mine. NPCs mean Non-playable Characters, a term from video games used to describe characters that you cannot play, but that exist to populate the game. Sort of like those extras in Nollywood movies that just sit in a restaurant and act like they are having a good time but are very inconsequential to the entire script.

I used to think, what if my siblings were just simulations present to help me navigate this earth? What if I was the only one with real thoughts and feelings, and everyone else had just been hard-coded into my life?

Anyways, I grew to understand that I am not the main character in the whole world, but just in my world. And even in my world sef, I am not always the main character.

Why did I establish those two facts? It is because when you become very conscious of them, they begin to breed something called the pride of life.

You see, I have observed human beings, and how we naturally (or maybe not even naturally, maybe it is something we acquire) come into life with a taste for the best things. We want to be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, the first and not the last. And on the surface, there is nothing wrong with that.

But when you look deeper, you begin to realize that this desire is not always as pure as it seems.

The pride of life is not just the desire for good things. It is the desire for good things in a way that places you at the center of everything, in a way that subtly elevates you above others and even above God’s will.

If I were to define it in my own words, I would say the pride of life is desiring good things for yourself in a way that centers you above other people.

And this thing shows up in ways we don’t always like to admit.

Pride is thanking God that right after your car passed, a bridge fell and two thousand people were killed, but you weren’t.

Pride is thanking God that the girl you didn’t like at work was dismissed, simply because you did not like something about her.

Pride is praying that rain should not fall because if it does, the clothes you spread on the line would be soaked, while there is someone else in your area who has been lamenting about the crops they planted that are about to die because of lack of rain.

Pride is how you feel when that co-worker was singled out to be honored and you have never been, even though you had been at the workplace before him or her.

Pride is what you feel every time they ask to take a group class picture or team picture, but you would not join because in your mind, you would rather not be associated with them.

Pride is always expecting to be number one at everything because you prayed and worked hard for things, even when other people prayed and worked hard too.

Pride is expecting that because you are a child of God, anything and everything you want automatically becomes yours, but not expecting God to do that for others.

Pride is you singing “Favor surrounds me like a shield,” because you want to lay hold of all the good things of life, but not knowing how to handle situations when things go south, or worse still, not even wanting that same favor to surround others.

Pride is that dejected and entitled feeling you feel when you don’t get exactly what you desired, even if you are not the only one that desired it.

Why did I decide to write this series and start with this? Because this is one thing I have been guilty of without even realizing it. And genuinely speaking, almost everyone is guilty of it.

And the sad thing about pride, just like envy, is that it happens on the inside and can be masked very effectively.

In the recent past, I’ve had the privilege to work in certain capacities as just an ordinary person. Nobody acknowledged me, nobody praised me, I was not high up in rank, I was just there, as Titilayo.

And if I am being honest, that experience did something to me.

You see, ever since I was a child, I have always been excellent. First position, best in this, best in that. Anything I tried my hands on, I excelled at it. I had always been one to stand out, to be recognized, to be placed in positions of leadership.

My first name happens to be Favour, and I have seen that play out in my life in ways that made me almost see favor as something that should always happen to me.

Walking into rooms and naturally standing out, being placed in charge, and being recognized, these things became normal to me.

But for the first time in a while, I was just there. Just ordinary Titilayo. Other people were shining brighter, others were being recognized, others were excelling, and I was just there, living a very normal life, without any special treatment.

And I will not lie, it was a bit uncomfortable.

Because I had to confront something in myself that I did not realize was there.

I began to see that a lot of the “desire for good things” I thought I had was actually tied to how those things made me look and feel. It was not just about the goodness of the thing, it was about what it said about me.

It was about being seen as better. Being seen as favored.

And that was a hard realization.

Because it made me understand that if you always want to be on the receiving end of good things, but you cannot handle being on the other side of it, then there is pride in your heart.

If you cannot genuinely rejoice when others are chosen, if you cannot be at peace when you are not seen, if you cannot trust God when things do not go your way, then it is not just desire, it is pride.

If you always ask God for things but cannot be on the flip side of not receiving them, you are proud.

The realization of this pride broke me because I couldn’t believe that just wanting good things could be a bad thing.

But I realized that it wasn’t just the wanting of good things but the reaction when all those many things didn’t come my way.

The conceited feeling of “it should be me” anytime I saw good things happening with other people.

The secret comparison to see if I also had something good enough going on.

And that is what makes pride so dangerous. It is subtle. It hides well. It can exist in someone who prays, someone who serves, someone who genuinely loves God.

It can exist in me, and it can exist in you.

And the first step to dealing with it is not pretending it is not there, but being honest enough to admit that it is. And then asking God to help you.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

I juxtaposed that with the scriptures that prophesied the death of Christ and the scriptures that fulfilled those prophecies.

And I have come to understand why Easter is the biggest celebration in Christianity.

You see, Jesus is not just some superstar or a fictional character from our favorite novel. Jesus is God who reduced himself to human, knowing the heart of man and choosing to die for us.

He lived to die. Literally.

See, there are a lot of things Jesus did for us. A whole lot.

And it is beyond me because I have so many questions. Living to die is one thing, but living to die for the type of human beings that exist on this earth? That is wild.

I mean, if it were me, maybe at 25, I would give up the quest to save humanity. Or maybe at 19 even. Because with the little I’ve seen about humans, it takes something divine to look at this species and decide that you want to come and die for them in the most gruesome way possible.

Humans don’t listen. They don’t acknowledge. They don’t appreciate.

Judas’ betrayal was not the first time people plotted to take out Jesus. The same Jesus that healed their sick, raised their dead, and fed the five thousand and the four thousand.

I digress a bit. Please, where were the five thousand when people voted for Jesus to be crucified? Surely if five thousand people had raised their voices to object, it would have been heard. Where was Jairus? Where was the centurion? Where was the woman with the issue of blood? How come nobody fought for him?

This is really just to emphasize the content in the heart of man. See how humans treated the one who lived and died for them.

At some point, I would have wrapped it up. I know myself.

At the point where I heard “Release Barrabas, crucify him.” You best believe I would have flared up and called fire to burn down everyone in that arena. See, even Elijah would have been surprised.

Shebi they want to keep doing wave offerings and peace offerings and sacrificing turtle doves and lambs? They should continue!

Because far be it for me to take up a cross to save you people and be insulted like this. But he stayed. He stayed!

I heard someone say that the highest form of love is the one that is done when there is no one to applaud you. And boy, did Jesus embody love!

You see, there’s a limit to how anyone in this world can tamper with my self-esteem. Because all I have to remember is that Jesus, the most perfect human being ever, bore the shame and the pain and went willfully to suffer and die a death he did not deserve, and he thought of Titilayo as he was going. Do you know the depth and weight of that?

I know that sadly, the death of Jesus has been misconstrued and has been reduced to cover a multitude of things.

People now think that this deep, incomprehensible sacrifice that Jesus made was to enable us to sin more and to sin conveniently because we have a trash bag that can take our sin from us.

People think he came to die so that we can live a life we want and not account for anything but just say a flimsy “sorry” on our deathbeds and make heaven.

People think he came to die so that we can have plenty of money or never suffer again. Now, those are additives to the main reason he came to die, and not in the genie-like way people think, but simply in Matthew 6:33.

But Jesus did not come to die so that I could have six digits in my OPay. He did not come to die so that I could pass engineering courses with little to no effort in studying.

He came to die to deliver us from the grip of death. Not just the death that is the cessation of breath, but eternal death that is irreversible. The death where we suffer for eternity and never get respite.

He loved us too much to let that happen. He looked at us and said, “Truly, you don’t deserve these things but I love you to the point of doing the hardest thing ever recorded in history,”

He also came to tear the veil and give us direct access to God, and God, direct access to our hearts.

See, my little brain can’t fathom it. I have so many many questions, and I genuinely would be so excited to ask him those questions when I see him.

I’m writing this to let you understand the import of this. Easter is not a festival. It is a period to remember the most historic event in the history of the world.

The crucifixion story was not fiction. It was what Jesus did for us. You need to remember that every single day. It cost blood, and it was not free. Someone paid for our sins. Jesus.

Until next week.

Titilayo.

We will touch briefly on it today and pick up another day.

I say this all the time, and I’ve figured that people don’t really get it. Social media has become the biggest influence over many of our lives in this day and age.

I’m not just talking about young people, I’m talking about every single age bracket that uses social media.

The world is becoming a simulation of everything fake.

Young people are losing an understanding of what human interaction and relationships should feel like. They spend so much time on their phones and learn so much about the real world from a fake world. Then they come to the real world and try to apply all the information they acquired. And it ends up being a total disaster.

Our generation especially knows so little about what real life entails because they spend all day watching life from people who are literally acting. These people said “3, 2, 1, action” before recording that video, and we have become so desensitized to thinking it’s real.

When we see the highlights of people’s lives and the carefully curated parts they show us every day, we don’t know what to do when things go off script.

I was watching a video where someone was ranting about how people go online and propagate a very performative idea of love and ruin love for people who are really trying their best in real life.

A man will record himself complimenting his wife so beautifully, giving her gifts, opening the doors for her, and cooking for her, and then you go to the comments and see girls saying things like, “May a love like this attack me.” “This or nothing else.” “Girl, what prayers did you pray to get a man like this?”

And you see these things continually. I mean, it’s okay if the content you create is centered on family and stuff like that, but posting such things every day? Or making that what your entire page is about? Come on now, you are literally an actor.

And they do these things continually to train your mind and to dissociate you from reality because such things are addictive. Hardly will a girl scroll past such videos because a part of her brain gets stimulated by them and she wants to keep seeing such things.

So, they train us the same way people train pets. Feed them something they like, create a routine, and let them come back.

And voila, you have become a puppet in the hands of content creators.

And it’s so dangerous because they will NEVER show you the flip side of things.

They will tell you that that is the love they experience every day. They will never show you their arguments. They will never show you the process of having difficult conversations. They will never show you how they navigate dealing with family members or in-laws or differences they have because of things they both don’t agree on.

And you see the way the Bible says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind? Many of you are being negatively transformed by the depletion of your minds because of how much social media you consume daily.

It’s one thing to consume it with a broader understanding of life, knowing that these things are not true, it’s another thing to take it hook, line and sinker, and that is what too many people do these days.

And then you find out that social media has trained you to be highly toxic. Because you don’t appreciate any effort you see. You despise it because when compared to your favorite content creator’s life, it means nothing.

You are in a relationship with someone who is doing their best. You are both working and trying to get along fine, and you watch the “Come with me to restock my pantry” video of a yahoo boy’s girlfriend, or a rich politician’s sugar baby, and you start getting annoyed.

You would want to do your hair, and your person sends you 20k, and you are irritated, asking yourself, “This 20k is for what exactly?”

Not because it’s not sufficient for the hair, but because a girl on social media said she wanted to do her hair, and the next day, a delivery guy came to deliver two human hairs and a stack of cash from her partner.

And you begin to despise the person who is trying to work hard, invest and save up for a comfortable future with you while still attending to your needs in the best way they can. Such terrible behavior!

This toxicity is an epidemic many people are not aware of. “There are no good men/women out there” is not entirely true. You’ve just trained yourself to accept the impossible standards that a simulation has set for you while not being nearly as amazing as that yourself.

And they keep doing it because they know it will sell. They know that narrative of “perfect love,” the one that involves such low effort, no real conversation, just smiles, gifts, money, and opening the car door for a woman, is what people want.

The internet would also train you to think that women should never say sorry, to think that 9 to 5 is a scam, to think that men are polygamous by nature, to think that being gay is okay and they were born like that, to think that you can learn a skill in two weeks and become a millionaire after a month, to think that fornication is perfectly okay, to think that you can love someone and still cheat on them, to think that morality is no longer a virtue in today’s society, and almost every skewed point of view there is.

But what you don’t know is, if faith comes by hearing, sin also comes by hearing. Deception and falsehood also come by hearing, and in this case, watching.

So, the only way you can get out of this toxic simulation that social media is, is to get off it. Or at least, take a break.

And even while at it, train your algorithm to bring things that build and edify. Because, as bad as the internet could be, it is also a very wonderful tool.

Instead of a hundred short reels of which 97 are just fake life content, watch a podcast or a message. Read an audiobook or take a course to upskill. Use the media to renew your mind, not destroy it.

Go and check how much time you spend on all your social media apps. This is precious time you are wasting. In fact, it’s life you are wasting.

Stop living in a fantasy and building ideas that don’t exist. Come to the real world and put in the work to be an excellent person.

There’s so much work to be done, but first, get off that damn phone!

Until next week,

Titilayo.

“The moment you say it can never be you, the way it will be you ehn.”

I hate that statement, but I understand it because it has actually happened to me before.

At the moment, I cannot remember a distinct personal example, but you see things like, “Nahh, I can never be scammed. When it’s not that I’m a fool, how won’t I be able to see through the lies?”

Or, “I know this is Lagos, but there’s no way a person can steal my phone in broad daylight.”

And many times, people say these things right after hearing someone else’s tale of misfortune.

It’s really funny when these things now happen to them and they are quieted and very sober. Explaining how it happened and how they were careful and didn’t know and stuff like that.

Now, if these people were very loud about their “can never be me” episodes and it “do be them,” it becomes a thing of mockery.

That’s why some people who think it can never be them would just keep quiet and say it in their minds.

Everyone just wants to be careful, right?

Now, when it comes to some deeper issues, this same principle is applied.

I’ve heard people say stuff like, “You don’t know who you are until money changes you.”

“Seats of power corrupt people no matter how strong-willed they are. There’s no way you would get into politics and not be corrupt.”

“It’s not possible for you to be married for years and not have an affair. Naturally, you would grow tired of your partner””

“There’s no way you would treat a child that is not yours like your own.”

“There’s no way you can live in this particular country and not go clubbing. It’s like a culture there.”

“There’s no way you can be in a relationship and not have sex in this day and age. Nobody does that anymore.”

And when they go ahead and say, “Look, there are many spiritual people who have made these claims before you and still did these things," or “you’re not superhuman; you will fall for temptation”” it starts to look like your “can never be me” will actually be you.

I’m talking about this because in recent times and recent conversations, I’ve faced heavy opposition as regards my beliefs.

“See, you’re still young.” “You never see anything yet.” “That’s what I used to think before too." "You will mature with time.” “Ohh, you’re saying this because you’ve not been in that situation.” “When it’s time, you will understand.” “It’s easier said than done.”

And see, if you hear these things continually, they will begin to weigh heavily on you.

Picture this. You’re on a walk with so many people, and you reach a junction. There are two roads; one is smooth and tarred, the other is overgrown with shrubs and thorns and quite narrow.

And while everyone is turning to the smooth road, you are heading for the narrow one. People would ask you if you are okay. You would feel stupid.

Even though you are holding a map and received clear instructions from your coach to follow the narrow path, you would have a very deep sense of anxiety.

You would wonder, did he mean the other road? Are my instructions different from the others? Is this the actual road he meant? The other looks clearer. Should I not go there?

Now, you have had several training sessions with the coach on what narrow paths look like and how to navigate them to get to your desired destination, but because of the voices of the people and the loneliness of the path, you begin to stall.

Now, someone else comes behind you and asks, "Why are you stalling? Let’s go. The day has come for us to follow all the instructions Coach gave us. Let’s follow our path.” Imagine how relieved that would make you feel.

Today, I am that person coming to whisper to you, “Let’s follow the path God asked us to, even if the whole world is on the wrong path.”

I get it. It’s one thing for God to give instructions and an entirely different thing for us to actually follow through with those instructions.

But that is why you don’t train for battle on the day of battle.

You train beforehand so that you will be fully equipped.

But you see, no matter how much you train, a battle will always seem a little unnerving, but when you start fighting, your muscles remember the training, and if you were very well trained, you subdue the enemy. That’s how it works.

I’ve come to remind you that God still has instructions that he expects us to keep to the letter.

Here to remind you that all sorts of sin are still wrong before God, and he still grieves when we sin. Lies, fraud, all forms and patterns of sexual sin, manipulation, gossiping, backbiting…every single one of them is wrong and hurts God.

Just because “everyone is doing it” does not mean it’s right. You should not just avoid it, but be loud about it.

When people say, “All men cheat,” you should say, “Can never be me.”

When people say, “It’s not possible to be celibate in a relationship,” tell them, “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

When people say, “Let’s plan against this person,” tell them, “I won’t be involved.”

Not because it’s easy, but because you are engraced to do it

And like the earlier analogy I had, it’s usually terrifying because you know that once you’ve made up your mind to stay on that path, and you’ve been vocal about it, failing is usually scarier.

But see, we would not follow the wrong path just because we are scared of the right path. Remember, he has not given us the spirit of fear but of knowledge and a sound mind.

God is backing us up. He is the one who has given us the power not just to will, but to do of his good pleasure too.

So, the next time it crosses your mind, or someone says you are going to fall prey to something that’s not in God’s plan for you, be sure to say it with a loud and clear voice, "Can never be me.”

Until next week,

Titilayo.

Like today. I honestly don’t know.

I have thrived on discipline, consistency, and commitment for 111 weeks and some days, and sometimes I don’t even know why I held myself to a “You must drop a newsletter every Monday” commitment.

Some people ask me, “How do you balance things?”

And the truth is, there is no balance. Things cannot happen simultaneously. One thing must bow at every given time.

On some days, that compromise looks like me using my time to do things that have a deadline while waiting for my smart classmate to spend two hours assimilating something and then explain it to me in seventeen minutes. Because, I cannot afford those two hours.

It also looks like giving out the pepper I bought to cook because I looked at my schedule and realized I could not afford the one and a half hours it would take to prepare the meal. Not to mention the extra one hour I would need to lie down because I’m tired after cooking and eating.

Sometimes, it looks like taking a vehicle to get to a place that is within my line of sight, because those seven minutes I would use to walk to class would make me three minutes late. And if I get there late, I would have lost the context already and would need to start reading from scratch. I would also be really tired from the hot sun.

And because I will not have enough time to catch up on schoolwork over the weekend, I will get to the next class still lagging behind and then find myself sleeping two hours daily during test and exam week.

I mean, let’s not lie. No matter how hard you read, in engineering you would still somehow sleep for just two hours during exam period. But that’s beside the point.

The thing is, there is so much to do. So much I’m doing. Sometimes it almost doesn’t make sense.

But for me, I will find one way or another to do it.

I remember when I applied for ALX and got in. They made us watch a video that emphasized doing hard things.

The summary was simple. The brain you have been given is too powerful for you to go through your entire life without maxing it out.

Some people have interests in gardening, crocheting, pottery, quantum physics, and fiction writing. And the world will tell them, “Jack of all trades, master of none.”

Apparently, the full quote is this:
“A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.”

You see? There you have it.

The person who dips their hands in many things is still often better than the one who insists on narrowing themselves down to just one.

And I have seen this countless times.

My faculty recently had their induction, and a good number of people graduated with a first class. Engineering is not the easiest course, yet somehow the faculty still manages to produce a high number of first-class graduates.

Then you check Law, and you see the same thing. Even higher percentages of first class and generally strong grades.

And when you see their resumes or even their LinkedIn posts, you notice them filled with all kinds of activities they did in school. And dare I say, did excellently.

Head of this committee. Member of that society. Led this community. Organized that initiative. All while pursuing their degree and finishing with a first class.

Was it easy? Not at all.

But did they see another alternative? No.

This is the approach I have recently had to life.

You have too much on your plate because you prayed for things to do, and God gave them to you.

Some of us, and honestly I think this applies to every single person, have been given gifts. There is so much good stuff embedded in us. But we are being too careful.

Too guarded.

We want to place all our possibilities in a queue. Maybe if one fails, then we can start another. But if one does not fail, we simply continue down that path for the rest of our lives.

There is a prayer I once came across that says, “May your path be rough.”

And as much as I am a soft life connoisseur, I see the importance of that prayer. If your path is not rough, you might spend your life gliding smoothly through the journey.

You would never experience a season of hiking. A season of cycling. A season where you have to rest because you have no strength left. A season where you desperately need water. A season where you have to camp with strangers. A season where your car breaks down and you are forced to flag random cars down for help.

Take these things figuratively, as if life were a road trip.

All these experiences that make life what it is, you might never encounter them.

Your road needs some roughness for you to live a seasoned life. Today is not the day to talk about the flip side in detail, about how empty life can be when everything is too easy. But believe me, that life can be very empty.

Myles Munroe often spoke about living a life of purpose and encouraged people to “die empty.”

He would say the richest place in the world is the graveyard. It is where millions of books remain unwritten, billions of songs remain unsung, and countless ideas were never brought to life.

And when you think about it, it is true.

For many reasons, the foremost being fear and timidity, people miss out on life-changing opportunities.

Imagine if the founders of Google, Meta, Ford, or McDonald’s had said, “You know what, that’s actually a silly idea. I don’t think it will go anywhere. Let me just work at a bank and make enough to take care of my family.”

Imagine what the world would look like without some of those very essential companies and industries.

Inside you too, there is something that could make an impact that would transcend even 50 years from now. Something that could make your name remembered for centuries. But if you keep choosing the smooth and safe path, that becomes dangerous. It can lead to an empty life and a very rich grave.

Often, we wonder why the loveliest people sometimes die young. Why their sun seems to set at midday. But the truth is that some people at 25 have done what others have not done at 80.

They have fulfilled purpose. They have touched lives.

Yes, they died at 25, but they ticked the boxes on their assignment list. Such people did not die early. They died when their time was up and their work here was complete.

But you are here with a daily watch time of seven hours on TikTok.

You will live long o. You probably will. Because God might give you extra time to get your act together. But sadly, it might be at 56 that you finally begin to think about fulfilling purpose. About doing hard things.

By then, the sun is already setting on you. Your strength is fading. While others are wrapping up their years of labour and watching the fruits of their work produce results, you are just getting started.

So get up and start doing things.

Do not be afraid to be embarrassed because someone smarter thinks your idea is trash. Do not be too proud to seek help. Do not let the fear of being cringe stop you. Do not let a mistake that cost you money force you to stay on the path of least resistance.

Do things.

Do hard things.

Do them again and again.

If one business crashes, sit down, take stock, rethink your strategy, and start again. Find a better way to do it.

Your clock is ticking.

Do not take everything that is inside you to the grave.

Doing things does not mean doing everything everyone else is doing. It means doing the things you were made for. Harnessing what God has already placed inside you.

And just because God has deposited many things in you and given you the grace for them does not mean you will never experience burnout. You most definitely will.

The path will be rough sometimes, but you can always be rejuvenated.

Until next week,

Titilayo.

Hello guys!

I really hope that the essence of this letter is felt. I’m lying down as I write, really tired, and a bit frustrated that this piece didn’t go as well as I wanted it to because writing is a lot of brainwork, and I don’t have the brainpower to structure this into a stellar piece.

But the fact that this is not properly written still drives home the fact that we should do stuff even when it doesn’t seem like the perfect condition. Just do stuff.

On some days, my newsletters will be extra good. On other days, it would look like an audio recording from a sleepy grandma. Regardless of which it is, I showed up. And that is what matters.

Thank you for reading.

“Heyyy Simi, would you be down to grab lunch with me?”

“Simiii! How far? Are you free tomorrow? We should go to that new restaurant to eat.”

Omoo, this is so weird, Juwon. Can you not think of a better way to phrase this?

I had never, in all my young adult life, thought it would be this hard to ask a girl out.

But that’s the thing. It wasn’t just any girl. It was Simi. It was Simi!!!

The girl I had been in love with for 1 year and 2 months. I hadn’t even known I was in love with her. I hadn’t been quick to put a name to that emotion. To that feeling I felt whenever I saw her.

The way my breath stuck in my throat anytime I saw her walking toward me.

The way I caught myself smiling anytime she would post those silly videos she would make on her status.

The way I would watch each video at least 27 times.

I knew Simi was doing something to me. I just didn’t know what it was.

Now, this same Simi, I had decided to ask her out. To officially be her man. To take this friendship thing to another level.

I was crazy in love with her, and I had no idea what Simi felt.

Simi was so nice. Simi Sunshine. That’s what I called her every time I thought of her. What better way to describe this girl?

She was beautiful.

Aghhh, so beautiful.

And I’m not talking about her stunning face, her glass skin, and her model body. I’m talking about the way her presence was warm.

This girl made me happy all the damn time.

I remember the day my laptop spoiled right before exams. That day, I was so destabilized.

I was so frustrated because I couldn’t think of what to do before exams. I didn’t have the money to repair a MacBook in three days.

It’s not like I didn’t have the money. It’s just that it would have stressed me out a bit. And the most frustrating part of the story was how it got spoiled.

Anytime I remember that story, I feel like slapping Timilehin. Like really slapping the taste out of his mouth. Because why did I give this guy my laptop to charge, and he spilled water over it and said it was someone else that left the water there?

It was honestly so annoying because why would you not just watch the damn laptop and be reasonable?

I was so pissed. It was at 48 percent. I could have managed it till I got back.

Anyways, back to the important part of this story.

That day, I was seated in front of the Faculty of Law, pressing my phone and asking my sister for the contact of the guy who repaired her Mac when it got spoiled, when I heard this laughter that could never be mistaken.

Simi.

Simi and like three of her friends were leaving the faculty. Even though we all wore black and white, and with my bad eyesight, I could sight Simi from a mile away. Yes, a whole mile away.

I gently called out her name, and she waved and smiled.

God.

I forgot all my problems instantly. What powers did this girl have?

I knew she was eventually going to come to where I was, so I bent my head, pretending to continue pressing my phone. But really, my heart was racing. I had so many emotions surging through my body.

Her smile had disoriented me, and I was only waiting for her to come closer so I could get lost in her eyes while she yapped away about whatever it was that was making them laugh.

She spent about three more minutes with the other girls, Mariam, and... I’ve forgotten their names. I don’t normally associate with my juniors because I just have no reason to.

Simi was the only one in her level that I talked to, and because of her, I knew a handful of others here and there.

As she was about to leave, one of her friends, the other fair girl, pecked her cheek and she immediately said, “Ewww, that’s so gay.” And all of them burst out laughing.

My sunshine.

This girl had a way of making people feel a million times better.

Simi was funny. The type that doesn’t make five sentences without you cracking up already. The type that, if law didn’t work out, she could do stand-up comedy and make a lot of money.

And from the way the girls cackled, you could tell that whatever that was about, she nailed that joke perfectly.

They dispersed, and she was walking toward me now.

This may seem crazy, but I see Simi in slow motion. Her smile, her walk, her face. It’s like time slows down whenever I see her, and it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

She was walking to me, smiling, in her knee-length corporate black dress and all-back. Yet, as simple as she looked, she was the most beautiful girl in the whole world to me.

She gave me a high five and sat beside me.

“Dr. Adebayo taught you guys this semester, ba?”

I nodded.

“For some reason, he wanted us to have a last revision class with us, and one thing or the other brought up the topic of gay people and if they have rights or not. It was so interactive, and we were just…”

I will not lie to you, I had lost track of what she was saying. She was so beautiful. Damn!

But as she kept speaking, I could hear her talking about how she really feels bad when people come out as being gay or whatever, and how it’s an identity crisis, and how she always says a prayer for them. How jokes aside, it’s not a small issue and she prays the pandemic does not spread further.

And that was one more thing I loved about Simi.

How she loved God.

Simi could be in a crowd of five thousand people and be given an opportunity to only say five words, and from those five words you could tell that she was different. That she was a Christian. That she had moral values.

Anyways, she finished talking and I walked her to her hostel. I always did whenever I saw her.

It wasn’t until after I turned to head back to my hostel that I remembered something.

I didn’t have a laptop to prepare for exams. And exams were in three days.

Talking to Simi was such a high, I didn’t even remember my woes.

Anyways, this long story was to put into perspective the effect Simi had on me.

So today, wanting to text Simi to ask her on a date felt like a huge deal. To be honest, I didn’t even know what I was doing. I didn’t know if I was ready, but since I had felt like this for over a year, I might as well get it out of my system.

I was so scared.

What if she didn’t like me?
What if she had been talking to someone else?

Look at me saying “someone else” as if I’ve already established that I’m her love interest.

I remember the time she said she met this fine, interesting guy at her cousin’s wedding where she was one of the bridesmaids.

My heart cut that day. Very deep.

I had never prayed for the downfall of a talking stage like I had prayed for that one.

That guy would come and take my sunshine away?

God forbid!

I also didn’t like the way she talked about him. Like he was the person she was going to marry.

And me, her very good friend, had no other option than to act happy for her. To answer her questions.

“Juwon, if a guy says this, what does he mean?”

Sometimes she would be talking to me and suddenly say, “Wait, my future husband is texting!”

She would squeal and flash her phone, showing me some sweet thing he said, and my soul would be burning inside.

I promised God that if He helped me end that talking stage, I would tell her I’m in love with her and propose to her immediately.

At the time, I had to look for a distraction so that seeing Simi happy texting this wedding guy would not ruin me.

I had managed to get my mind off it for my own mental health when one day she just said,

“Juwon, Kelvin is not serious. I no longer talk to him.”

When I tell you I had taken my mind off the situation for my mental health’s sake, I thought it was no longer weighing on me until she said those words. I didn’t realize what those words did to me.

I was so relieved first. Then ecstatic.

She explained that he became inconsistent with his texting and she’s too much of a serious person to be giving excuses for a grown adult.

“See, Juwon, if he likes me, he will want to text me. That simple. Good riddance anyways. I had a lot on my plate. Talking to him constantly despite my tight schedule was a sacrifice. He took it for granted.”

“Ouuu. Oshey star girl,” I said.

She smiled.

“Did you block him?”

“Block him ke? It’s not that deep. And he’s not that important to me. He just doesn’t have that access to me anymore.”

And from her tone, I could tell she was serious. Simi was that type of girl. I wasn’t even surprised.

Simi would turn down any and every guy because she ran a strict program and would accept nothing less than what she knew she deserved. And I knew all about her stories. She told me every one of them.

Especially during those walks to her hostel.

The funniest one was about that guy in her class who would simp over her in the most undiscreet way. Everyone knew he liked her. She was being polite in showing that she was not interested, but he kept missing all the signs.

Saving her a seat. Getting her expensive snacks.

Simi didn’t want to keep taking advantage of his feelings, so one day, she sent him a long paragraph to tell him clearly that she was not interested.

Again, this is just to explain why this felt like such a big deal.

Simi was the most perfect person I knew.

And maybe I knew her too well to be the one?

I didn’t know.

But I wanted to find out.

So after debating which text sounded least corny, and still feeling cringed out by all of them, I decided to just give her a call.

This was the most unnerving call I had ever made in my life.

“Heyyy Simi.”

“Hi hi. How are you, uncle first-class law graduate?”

I laughed. “I’m good. How about you?”

She talked about how she’d been and how wrapping up 400 level and preparing to go home for the holidays had been.

And at a time that felt like perfect timing, I asked her and held my breath.

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

I know Simi would have probably looked at her watch. I know her that well. If you asked her what she was doing five years ago, or next week, she would look at her watch.

A very weird behaviour I found strangely attractive.

She said, “Tomorrow is the day I want to make my hair since I’m travelling next week.”

“Okay… what time are you going to be done?”

“Maybe 4? It takes a while sha.”

Okayyy.

My heart was beating at 1000 bpm now.

“So… after you’re done with your hair, can we see?”

“Uhmm… yeah, of course. You can come to my hostel around 6.”

“Well, I was thinking we go somewhere else. There’s this new restaurant I kind of want us to check out. If you’re down for that, I can come and pick you up with an Uber.”

“Ahn ahn, uncle Juwon, you want to take me to a restaurant ke? Is this some sort of send forth? Am I not the one supposed to be sending you forth?”

Uncle Juwon.

What is this girl trying to do?

I know we had some inside jokes and she would call me uncle Juwon whenever I gave her some advice or something, but abeg, this is not the time for this.

I want to be your man.
I don’t want you to call me uncle.

“No joor. I’m sending you forth too. Soo… is 6 fine?”

“Juwon, you know I don’t like going out. I don’t even know what to wear. I’ve not really been to any fancy restaurant, and I don’t know if I’d be comfortable. Can we just meet at my place and order in instead?”

Arghhh. This was not going well.

I didn’t want to be pushy and push my sunshine away.

“Okayy. No pressure. I was just really hoping we could go out instead of just meeting at our usual spot.”

There was silence.

And hesitation.

I think she could tell the sadness and disappointment in my voice.

“You know what? Fine. I’ll follow you to your fancy restaurant.”

I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

My hands were still fidgety and my heart rate was finding its way back to normal, but I was so glad I had taken that out of the way.

My sweet Simi.

Simi was the sweetest person in the whole world.

Simi sunshine.
Simi sugar.

She knew I would be extremely happy if she said yes. She could tell the change in my tone when I said no pressure, and her soft heart wanted me to be happy.

So she said yes.

Now, I had to figure out what to wear.

I was a decent dresser every time. But now that I was going out with the most beautiful girl in the world, I was nervous.

I picked out something really nice. Something Simi had not seen me wear before.

But I remembered that she said she had no fancy dresses, so I decided to tone it down so that my baby could feel comfortable.

My baby.

How I wanted to call her that.

God.

I looked up and told God, “See, you know what I really feel for this girl. If it is your will, please let her feel the same way. Scratch that. Whether it’s your will or not, I want to end up with Simi as my wife.”

I truly meant it.

I didn’t want to hear a no, so I didn’t ask if it was His will.

I went to sleep like I had the day before my Primary 6 graduation.

So nervous.

So excited.

And the next day, I prepared to go take my girl out.

I was so unproductive throughout the day because anytime I tried to work, register for NYSC, or do anything at all, my heartbeat started getting so loud it was distracting.

So I decided to watch a movie.

I saw Simi in everything.

Truth be told, I was going to stay back here and serve here so I could be close to her in her final year and propose to her immediately after.

I was that in love.

I waited patiently for the time to pass while reliving scenes I had seen in movies and all the Instagram reels of the “friends to lovers” trope I had watched.

You know that thing Instagram does where it listens to whatever is happening in your life and shows you videos that depict it?

I was seeing so many of them.

So many “How my best friend became my wife” videos.

And it made me a bit more confident.

Simi was usually happy with me but God, I planned to make her even happier as my wife.

I planned to take care of this girl and treat her like the sunshine that she is every single day.

It was 5:25 when I started ordering a ride.

Her place was about 15 minutes away from where I was, but I didn’t want to keep my sunshine waiting. So I placed an order.

I got a ride early and started panicking, wondering if I would get there too early.

I got there by 5:54.

Simi was not ready until 6:02.

Thankfully, my Uber driver was a very calm man.

He could sense that I was nervous, and he asked if I was going to take a girl out.

As if I had been waiting to be asked, I started yapping and gushing about Simi.

A girl in my faculty, but a year below. How I had loved her for so long and now that I was leaving, I needed to get it out of my system.

How I wanted to start dating her.

Rather, start courting her.

And how I wanted to get married to her.

The man was smiling sheepishly as he listened to my tales of love, and he could truly tell that I was deeply in love with her.

He told me one thing.

“If she’s God’s will for you, then that’s your wife you are going to meet. And God will bless your union.”

I was happy. But a little on edge.

What do you mean if she is God’s will for me?

Sir, she is God’s will in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Anyways, we got there and waited for eight minutes before Simi came out.

I had never seen a being more beautiful.

My God.

She wore a pink, flowery dress and walked to the car like a princess.

At this time, I was already outside the car waiting for her. I hugged her and opened the door for her, then walked over to the other side to get in.

My palms were really sweaty by now. I was scared she would hear how loudly my heart was beating, but I don’t think she did.

“You smell so nice,” we both said simultaneously, and laughed.

I complimented her hair, which by the way was the most beautiful color I had seen on her.

Being a law student, you don’t get to use color on your hair or wear anything but black and white to the faculty. So seeing her dressed like a princess to go out with me felt like we were in another dimension.

We got to the restaurant and chose a cozy spot.

One that was away from the center of activities.

Thankfully, it was a weekday, so the place was sparse.

We talked about anything and everything.

She joked about us splitting the bill 50/50 and I laughed.

Baby girl, I want to take care of you for the rest of your life. Who is splitting bill with you?

For some reason, I didn’t know how to stop the moment and start confessing my feelings for her.

She talked about how she was sorry she was underdressed and how there was no light to iron when she finally decided what to wear. But I got lost in her eyes. Again.

All I wanted to do was stare at her.

She looked so stunning.

Simi was the image of perfection to me, and she always left me in awe. There wasn’t a day I met her that I didn’t discover something new about her. Something truly amazing.

We talked and talked.

Then we ate.

It was a little awkward at first, but we talked and laughed through it.

She looked at her watch.

“Juwon, I have to get going now.”

Oh damn.

How had we spent so much time talking and I had not told her the reason we went out?

And I didn’t want it to be rushed. I didn’t want to ask her out while we were walking toward the car or inside the car.

We got to her hostel and I opened the door for her.

She giggled.

“Oh Juwon, I almost forgot. I got you this little gift. Since we are sending each other forth.”

I was leaning on the car.

She brought out a small bottle of perfume.

I was speechless.

This girl.

I held her hand for two seconds longer than platonic friends would.

And then I hugged her. Again, a bit longer than friends normally would.

I did not want to let her go. Simi always made me so happy.

I watched her walk into her hostel.

She looked back, smiled, and waved.

I was happy.

But sad at the same time.

I had thought that by the end of that evening, I would be Simi’s man.

On the bright side, I had another excuse to see her one more time before she went home.

The next evening, I went to see her again.

I just texted her that I came to do something in school around her hostel and wanted to say hi.

I had seen Simi in her hostel about five times, and she would always say she dressed like Adam Sandler.

And I think that was my favorite version of her.

Big shirt, big shorts, and slides.

Whenever she wore socks with her slides, she would say she dressed like an upcoming Yahoo girl, and it would crack me up so much.

I had written down all my thoughts and kept the note in a bag. I bought some snacks and kept the note and snacks inside.

When I saw her, I was so happy.

I figured that since it was so hard to say it with my voice, I would say it with my written words.

I hugged her and told her I had to go soon.

She opened the bag and saw her favorite cookies and squealed like a three-year-old.

I was just standing there smiling.

She seemed to have seen the note, and I just told her to go through the bag and open the note when she got upstairs.

This was going to be the deciding night of my life.

As soon as I got home, I lay down, waiting for her call.

I told her in the note that I was in love with her.

That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

But I wanted to start by being her boyfriend.

And a lot of other sweet words.

I promise you, I am very good with my words.

I got home around 5:30.

I waited for her call or text for what felt like forever.

By 7, I couldn’t take it anymore.

So I called her.

“Heyyyy.”

“Hi, Juwon.”

Her expression was bland. I could tell nothing from her voice.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

There was an awkward silence, and I sat up so that my heart would not beat and fall out of my chest.

“Did you… did you see my note?”

“Oh yes, I did. It was really sweet. Thank you.”

Really sweet? Thank you?

My heart was beginning to race faster than ever before.

“Okay… so what do you think about it?”

“Umm… well… the thing is, I’m not really looking to be in a relationship now. Remember what we talked about last month? I’m not in the headspace for that.”

I could tell Simi was lying. That was the same thing she said when she met Kelvin and was ecstatic about the idea of him being her future husband.

“How about later? Down the line? Is it something you see happening?”

There was silence.

Then she exhaled like she had been carrying the weight of the world on her chest.

“Juwon, let me be honest with you. You know I hate to lie. Matter of fact, I don’t know how to lie. I don’t see us together. You’re an amazing friend and I do love you… but as a friend.”

“Simi, if you love me and I’m your friend, I don’t see why we can’t be together.”

I was almost teary-eyed at this point. I was hoping my voice wasn’t sounding as shaky as I could hear it.

“Juwon, I don’t feel the same way for you. I didn’t know you had an endgame all along. I was just your friend to be your friend.”

“It was not an endgame, Simi. I was your friend, and being in close proximity to you, I fell in love with you. It’s the consequence of being close to someone as gorgeous and amazing as you.”

“So, it’s my beauty?”

“No, Simi. It’s not just your beauty. It’s you. The entirety of you.”

“Juwon, I don’t know how else to put it. I just don’t feel the same way. And I’m not sure I can. You know how I told you that I hate ‘friends to lovers’? I see friends as friends, and lovers as lovers. I’ve pictured us being friends even when we’re older, and my kids calling you Uncle Juwon…”

She paused.

“Not Daddy.”

I sat there and took all these bullets to my heart like I had volunteered to be a martyr.

“Juwon? Juwon, can you hear me? I’m so sorry. All of that came out so wrong. Gosh. I’m really sorry. You’ve put me in a hard spot and I didn’t know how to say it. I felt like if I said it too nicely, you wouldn’t get me or wouldn’t take me seriously. You would think you can change my mind. This is hard for me to say too.”

You would think you can change my mind?

Is this a dream?

She rejected me?

In all my planning and daydreaming, I was only now realizing that I had never pictured a possibility where she said no to me. I had only fantasized about being her man.

“Okay. Thank you for being honest with me, Simi.”

“Juwon wait. Wait. I’m really sorry. I don’t know what to say. I hope I’ve not hurt you. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Simi, my sunshine. I can never be.

So sad you’ve now become my sunset.

I faked a happy tone.

“It’s totally fine, Simi. Have a good night.”

“Good night, Juwon.”

I hung up.

I felt like someone should pour cold water on me.

Was that it?

All my dreams? Everything I had planned?

Wait. That my NYSC contact. Let me first tell him I’m no longer staying here.

Why did I talk?

I don’t think we can remain friends again.

Ever.

From the tone of Simi’s voice, I didn’t think we would ever speak again.

I felt defeated.

Then numb.

Then sad.

Overwhelmingly sad.

The next few days were a blur. I was staying alone, so I was sleeping almost all the time. Anytime I got a notification, I hoped and prayed it was from Simi, that she was changing her mind.

That day never came.

When school resumed and she was in her final year, I thought of going to see her once. I had gotten ready to go one day when I started thinking,

What if she was mad that I came?

Or worse, what if I saw her with another guy? Laughing and gisting?

I had her timetable. I got it from someone in her class. I didn’t make it look like I needed their timetable. I asked questions that I knew would prompt the person into sending it.

This phase didn’t feel like heartbreak.

It felt worse.

I missed the love I never had.

Or rather, the love I had for fourteen months that she never knew about.

I would stare at her pictures and the videos I had saved of her all day.

It was growing into an obsession.

Truth be told, I had been obsessed since.

It just became worse now that I could only see her through a window.

Worse still, she looked happy. Still very happy without me.

And I was here losing my mind and losing weight that I didn’t even have.

I tried everything to heal.

YouTube videos.

Sermons.

Therapists’ TED Talks.

Drowning myself in work.

But any second I took my mind off it, I saw Simi and the life I had built for us together going down the drain.

One day, I summoned the courage to go to the faculty when I knew she would be free.

I waited about twenty minutes until I saw her.

She froze when she saw me.

Then she put on a fake smile and came to hug me.

We talked for about one minute and forty-seven seconds before she said she had to go.

My old stab wounds resurfaced.

I think that was the day I truly knew I had no hope with Simi.

Sometimes I think the world is a little messed up.

Because how can I have all that love in my heart for her and she would say no?

Fast forward three years later and I saw her engagement post on Instagram.

Knowing Simi, I knew she would have already been married and probably pregnant before posting about it.

And the memory I had tried to suppress for so long came back to haunt me.

I was borderline depressed for days, but I got over it soon.

Life is actually not Nollywood.

I knew Simi would go on and find true love.

I just loathed the fact that that true love wasn’t me.

And it’s fine.

Because sometimes the love you desire does not desire you.

And that’s okay.

Maybe I’ll be fine eventually.

Who knows.

It’s been a little over three years, and even though I’d say I’m doing good, the thought still flashes through my mind occasionally.

The thoughts of what could have been.

Seeing her married eventually put those thoughts to death.

They could finally rest in peace.

I’ll find love eventually.

I know.

And maybe it’s in this Thelma girl who has a way of distracting me whenever I see her.

Just maybe.

Hiiii guys!!!

First off, I’m super proud of myself that I said I was going to write another piece, and I actually did.

Sadly, I can’t say to expect this more often because things are about to get really busy for me. But please, if you enjoyed this, kindly let me know.

Do you also think Simi is wrong for rejecting Juwon? Is there a way the story could have gone differently? Should Juwon have never said anything?

Also, should I write from Simi’s POV too?

Drop your thoughts and let me know. Fiction writing Titi will see you some other time. Byeeeee:)

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